Charity believeth all things

 I’ve gone back & forth in sharing some of my thoughts, because as my husband always likes to point out, no one gets on social media ready to change their opinion. I hope, if you choose to read on, that you can do so with an open mind & heart. 

I came upon this scripture a couple years ago after something was said by a church leader & social media sort of exploded afterwards: “And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” -Moroni 7:47. 

I came away wondering, what does it mean to “believe all things” as it relates to having charity? How are they connected? I used to always assume it meant “you believe all things- you have faith” type of thing. But studying charity, while seeing so much contention on social media, made me reflect on that aspect of charity more. 

I came to this conclusion: believing all things means you believe the experiences and emotions of others are what they say they are. Even if those experiences and emotions are different than yours- believe them. 

Believing them doesn’t have to mean that you agree with them- it means that you are extending charity and compassion towards someone else. You can still have your own opinions while believing & validating those of others- you just need to listen and love. We can take others at their word when they share their experiences- without any need to get defensive, argue, etc. Just listen with a loving, open heart and mind. Trust people & accept their opinions without feeling the need to prove or to convince them that they are “wrong”. With the conversations around things like religion, politics, etc getting so toxic or explosive, it’s easy to forget that our opinion is not the only one that matters or the only one that could possibly be right. Sometimes, BOTH opinions/experiences can be right and it doesn’t have to be one or the other. 

So, next time someone says they’re having a hard time with something a church leader said, but you arent- believe them. 

If someone says it is uncomfortable to watch general conference- believe them. 

If someone says it’s painful or difficult to come to church- believe them. 

If someone leaves the church, don’t oversimplify or invalidate their experiences by claiming they are lazy or taking the easy way out. You can believe that they have their own reasons for leaving, even if you don’t agree with them. Believe them. 

If a woman tries to explain that she feels unseen or unheard or unappreciated at church- believe her. Just because your experiences haven’t been the same, doesn’t mean anyone else’s are less valid or real. This is definitely an instance where it doesn’t have to be “one or the other”- some women are fine with the status quo, but that doesn’t mean we should disregard the women who are not. Listen & believe them. 

In his book “The Law of Love”, Steve Young says- “Even if we understand the idea that we should love people, we sometimes think we're supposed to love them back onto our path instead of respecting their own journey. I'm not trying to love people into coming with me. I'm just loving people.” Show people true charity by believing their experiences, feelings & opinions. Imagine how our relationships could all improve if we took the time to do so. If we have faith that Christ understands and believes each of our own experiences, can’t we try to extend the same charity to others? ❤️

Pictures

I’m a big picture taker- I feel like if I don’t take a picture, I don’t remember the experience.

Maybe that’s why I don’t have any pictures that really depict our infertility. Because sometimes I don’t want to remember.

I don’t have any pictures of my reaction to being told I had PCOS. (Which was the reason behind our infertility)

I don’t have any pictures of our fertility clinics.

I don’t have any pictures of the shots I had to get. (I didn’t do IVF, but I had to do “trigger shots” to ensure that I was ovulating.)

I don’t have any pictures of all the different types and combinations of medications I tried.

I don’t have pictures of any of our negative pregnancy tests. Or any of the negative ovulation tests.

I don’t have any pictures of me sitting anxiously in my appointments.

I don’t have any pictures of Wanda.

I don’t have any pictures of our medical bills.

I don't have any pictures of the diet changes I made that were suggested by my doctor. (Eating whole grains & lots of veggies plus limiting dairy & gluten & sugar is beneficial for people with PCOS)

I don't have any pictures of the impact our infertility had on my mental health.

I don't have of pictures me leaving my full time position that I absolutely loved because of the toll infertility had taken on my ability to do my job.

I don't have any pictures of the times I cried over my body's inability to do what I had always been taught it "should" do.

I don’t have any pictures of the hurt I tried to hide when people would make invalidating comments like “Just relax” or “It’ll happen, just have faith in God’s plan for you!”

I don't have any pictures of us waiting by the phone to hear the results of my blood tests (I'd get my blood drawn at the clinic a few days after I had a procedure, which would then tell us if I was pregnant or not.)

I don’t have any pictures of me doubled over & sobbing after the fertility clinic called me & told me our IUI didn’t work.

I don’t have any pictures of our confusion after the fertility clinic called to tell us our IVF study was getting pushed back... again.

I don’t have any pictures of Christopher & I holding each other in our heartbreak.

I also don’t have any pictures of the hundreds of prayers that were said on our behalf. Picturing my nieces & nephews praying for us will always be so tender!️

I don’t have pictures of my conversations with friends and family that were genuinely empathetic.

I don’t have any pictures of the supportive, uplifting messages I got from people after I shared a blog post.

I don’t have any pictures of the sweet, unexpected packages that my angel friend in GA would send me.

I don't have any pictures of the progress I made when I shared my experiences in therapy.

I don’t have any pictures of the conversations I had with my amazing neighbors and friends in Orem who shared their experiences with me. (If any of you ladies are reading this- I freaking love you & am forever grateful for your strength & support & listening ears️)

I don’t have any pictures of the people in St. George who rallied around us after I shared our experience with infertility when we moved in. Some of them also had infertility and some were just kind people who wanted us to know we weren't alone. There are good people everywhere!

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Maybe I don’t have pictures of any of these things, but the memories of those experiences and emotions will always be etched on my heart. (Unfortunately and fortunately, I guess.) Since it's National Infertility Awareness Week, those thoughts, emotions and experiences have been especially prevalent in my mind.

Just because I was able to get pregnant doesn’t mean my infertility is “over” or that I’m not still impacted by my infertility. Each infertility story is different and comparing infertility stories is demeaning and pointless.
Support and validation means everything to someone experiencing infertility. It’s a traumatic experience. I’ve never felt more alone than when I was going through infertility.

After I wrote my initial blogpost explaining our infertility, I was generally pretty open about my experiences. But not everyone is. Whether you’re aware of it or not, there’s a good chance someone you know is impacted by infertility. Maybe they don’t want to talk about it- respect their choices.

If they’re open to talking, ask them what they need or what kind of comments are helpful for them.
Even if you feel like you know what kind of comments you should or shouldn’t make to someone with infertility, I’d encourage you to think about whether or not the "advice" you want to give is warranted or validating.

The one that was always the most frustrating to me was people saying “oh my nephew’s brother couldn’t get pregnant but then they did XYZ and boom! They got pregnant!” Those comments always made me feel like the person didn’t actually care about MY experience because they couldn’t think of anything to say besides bringing up someone else’s experience (And it was usually someone they didn’t really even know. It was different when someone shared their own experience with infertility.) And again, it’s pointless to compare infertility stories! Don’t do it! Having good intentions behind comments like that doesn’t take away the hurt. I still love you if you ever said anything like that to me though. But now you know better for the next person.

If you’re a fellow “1 in 8”, I’m always here if you need to vent. You don’t need to share your experiences in the same way as anyone else, but I hope that you have at least one other person you can turn to. You are not alone in this. (Also.... whether or not infertility is the struggle you're facing- take pictures! Find a way to capture the hard parts of your life, because they aren't any less real or important than the "good" parts!)

Infertility War(rior)

It being national infertility awareness week, one of the infertility organizations posed a question- "How has your infertility impacted your life?"

There are a lot of "impacts" of infertility that no one talks about. No one talks about the war of emotions you feel, and I was completely unprepared for it. Even though it SUCKED and was so so hard- I wasn’t surprised that I felt such extreme sadness and loneliness. But I was surprised with the other feelings I felt, like anger, hate, and jealousy. Infertility brought those more “ugly” emotions into my life. I had to take breaks from social media, because not only did it make me super sad seeing so many people announcing their pregnancies or posting pictures of their babies, but it made me angry and resentful. "They just got married & they’re already pregnant?" "They’re so much younger than me and they’re pregnant?" "Ok, ok, we get it! You have a cute baby! You don’t need to post about it 24/7!"

But then I would feel so guilty for all those thoughts and feelings. Who was I to be angry because they were getting the happiness I wanted? It wasn’t their fault I couldn’t get pregnant. But I couldn’t get rid of my anger/resentment/jealousy with the snap of my fingers. It was also worse with different people. With my family, it was more a combination of jealousy & sadness than anger or resentment. I guess because I knew them more on a personal level, and I saw their lives up close. It was way easier to be angry at someone I wasn’t close with, like people I hadn’t seen since high school or since I graduated BYU. 

That doesn’t mean it was easy with family though. 

When one of my nephews was born, my husband and I were going to go visit him in the hospital. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew I would be jealous and emotional. I knew I would cry, most likely uncontrollably, and need to leave the room. I was sort of panic crying just thinking about going. So we didn’t go. I couldn’t even use my words to talk to my family about it, because I didn’t know how. Plus, I felt like my feelings would detract from the happiness of the event of his birth, and I didn’t want to do that. 

Then a few months later, after that nephew’s baby blessing, I had to leave the room during Sunday school. My two sister in laws were both holding their babies a few seats down from me, and there was another lady with her baby in front of me, and yet another behind me. I was literally surrounded by babies and it was suffocating. I felt trapped. Holding back my tears, I ran to the bathroom and sobbed silently. I was so scared someone would hear me crying and ask what was wrong. Again, it was another event that was supposed to be celebratory, but for me it was exhausting and sad. I was confused and didn’t want to have to talk to my family about it, because again, I didn’t know how. So I eventually asked my husband for the keys and I left without a word. I met up with some friends & didn’t come back until hours later. 

When my younger sister announced that she was pregnant, we weren’t really trying to have a baby at that point. I was a little disappointed I wouldn’t have the first grand kid like I was “supposed to” as the oldest, but I didn’t dwell on that and I was happy for her. 

It was harder later, when she was in her 3rd trimester and, after trying to conceive for a few months, I had recently been diagnosed with PCOS. It was hard at random times later when Char was a newborn or even when she was a cute little one year old and we were still nowhere closer to our dream of having a baby. It was the elephant in the room for awhile, the fact that she had what I so desperately wanted, until my sister was super woman and brought it up. I didn’t realize that it would make such a difference to acknowledge those feelings, but it did. 

 I want you to understand though, that I wasn’t walking around with this constant jealousy. It would just hit me randomly. And then the guilt would hit me almost immediately. I love my sister and my niece, and my sister in laws & other nieces/nephews. I didn’t want to feel that jealousy, or have it seem like I didn’t love them! (And most of the time I didn’t feel that way. A lot of the time, being around them is what actually helped me cope with my infertility.)But feeling those “negative” things just made me feel even worse! And that’s something that people don’t think of when they think of infertility. They don’t think of these unseen battles of emotions, these often unspoken feelings and thoughts about family members and friends. It’s not easy to say anything along the lines of “I’m happy for you, but at the same time, you stink!” 🤪Or “I want what you have and I know I can’t have it right now, but sometimes it’s hard to be around you when I’m struggling with those feelings. I often don’t know what to say or do when I’m feeling that way.” 

That being said, if you’re currently in the trenches of infertility, no hard feelings if you feel resentment towards me when I post about my baby. No hard feelings if you’re angry. No hard feelings if you roll your eyes when you see someone announce a pregnancy, or you unfollow them for the time being. No hard feelings if you’ve been dealing with infertility for much longer than I have & you think I should hush up. 
So. You have every right to those feelings. Whatever they may be. 
Infertility is sadness, infertility is grief, infertility is anger. Infertility is loneliness, infertility is emptiness. Infertility is whatever it looks like for you. Most importantly though, in all circumstances, infertility is a battle and you are a freaking warrior! ❤️

God Sees Us Trying

Tomorrow I’ll be 19 weeks pregnant. I started getting sick during the end of week 5 when I was in GA visiting my family, and ever since then my level of functioning has just been totally different from what I was accustomed to. I haven’t been able to go to church or to the temple like I used to, and both of those are really important to me & my relationship with God.
For the first time in months, I finally felt physically well enough to go to the temple a few days ago. Almost as soon as I walked inside I was overcome with how much I had missed being there. I felt so safe & I knew I was where I was supposed to be. Maybe it was inappropriate of me to make this “deal” but I told Heavenly Father while I was there that every day I felt good, I would go to the temple. Our temple closes in just a couple weeks & I want to take advantage of that as much as my health will allow.

Today, I got an IV & was feeling ok, but not great, and we decided to go sit on the temple grounds instead. After sitting on a bench for a few minutes, we decided to walk around. Literally seconds into our walk, I see a family from GA that I haven’t seen in close to 10 years. The dad was my basketball coach when I was in elementary school, and it was fun to catch up with them.
Seeing them was not some sort of earth shattering experience. But as I reflected on it, I realized that it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father- Him acknowledging that He saw me trying. Maybe I wasn’t quite able to make it inside the temple, but I tried to be close to it. I saw it as the next best thing- the closest I could get to my goal at the time. I believe that Heavenly Father sees our efforts & recognizes when we try. He wants us to keep going & to keep trying, and that’s when He sends us those tender mercies. Little reminders that He is there cheering us on. Look for a tender mercy from the past few days- you’ll find one. Keep trying & know that Heavenly Father sees you :)

Pregnancy Thoughts

Here are some current pregnancy thoughts for ya...  

-We found out that we're having a BOY! As the oldest of 4 girls (and a mom who's the oldest of 4 girls, and a grandma who's the oldest of 4 girls) it's a bit of a foreign concept to imagine a little boy! Even though I tried to hold out a little bit of hope it could be a girl, I've had a feeling the whole pregnancy that it's a boy. Part of that was for my dad's sake so he could experience a little boy :) but mostly it was because of some really special experiences I had while going through our infertility, which I probably won't ever share publicly. Not trying to be secretive or hold out on anyone, but just a really special thing that I want to keep close.

-Sometimes it's hard for me to not feel guilty that I only experienced about 2 years of infertility when others experience so much more. Not that I'm not so extremely grateful to be pregnant right now, because obviously I am. My heart just aches for those women and couples that are currently still battling infertility and all that comes with it. 

-Everyone keeps telling me it gets better in the 2nd trimester. Obviously I wish that was the case for me, but it doesn't look like it will be. I have made some small improvements, which I'm very grateful for! But I was told I have "hyperemesis gravidarum", which is basically extreme morning sickness. Trust me, it's a real thing, even though it almost sounds fake or exaggerated! My doctors said it's most common between weeks 5-16, but in some women can last much longer and potentially not ever go away during the pregnancy. Such a comforting thing to hear after I'd been throwing up constantly :) Zofran hasn't done much for me at all, but the last couple days I've been taking a new medicine (no idea how to spell the name) and it seems to work much better.

-The other night, when I was feeling super nauseous & afraid I'd throw up, I had this big epiphany. If I hadn't gone through what I did to get to this point (aka infertility before this pregnancy), I would be so ungrateful right now. I've had so many days where I just cry because this pregnancy has been so hard... and I'm sick of throwing up! 5 times now, I've thrown up so much & so often that I have to go to the hospital for an IV to get hydrated again (which I didn't even know was a thing before my pregnancy). My record is throwing up every 30 minutes, and that's one record I'm hoping not to break. Those have been my worst days, but most days I'm stuck on the couch because I'm so nauseous and can't afford to do much other than lay there. But if we hadn't gone through our infertility, I would've had a much worse attitude about this pregnancy and not been as grateful for it.

-I have a love/hate relationship with food and with naps. On my good/ok days, I seem to need to eat a small meal every hour and a half or two hours. BUT I've thrown up almost everything so it's pretty rare that something actually sounds appetizing. My poor hubby-- he'll try to throw out suggestions and I'm just like "no, no, no, that sounds gross too....". He's the best for being so patient with me.  And for feeding me all the time. (Like seriously, he'll come home from his lunch breaks and first thing he does is make me food. He's also gotten used to all the crumbs in our bed, because some days all I can do is snack. AND he's taken over the majority of the chores + grocery store runs.)Also, sometimes I desperately need a nap, but for the past month or so, every time I take a nap, I wake up feeling more sick than before. Like my body gets mad that I went that long without eating or drinking anything. 

-I am CRAZZZYY sensitive to smells. The past two days I have barely left our bedroom because something in our house (in our kitchen/living room) smells so bad. I haven't been able to figure out what it is and Christopher doesn't even really smell anything. Yesterday it made me throw up, and today I was gagging super bad but made it back into our room before I actually threw up. For a couple months now, the smell of our gas stove/oven has made me sick too. I have to go back into our bedroom anytime Christopher makes food on the stove because I can't stand the smell. The last time we used our oven, I sat outside in the garage for almost an hour because not only was the smell bad while our lasagna was cooking, but it took forever to go away after the fact! Luckily my grandparents are saving me/us again and they've let me use their oven a couple times now to cook things. So yes, I'm pretty much dependent on Christopher either making me food or bringing it home, or on pre-made meals I can microwave when he's not here. (Oh yeah, cuz driving makes me sick too!)

-I honestly think anyone that goes through pregnancy is super woman, regardless of how "difficult" it is. Every woman's body is different and every pregnancy will be different, but we're all growing a little human inside of us! So incredible!!! 

-I'm so thankful for General Conference this past weekend. Beforehand, I hoped to hear something that would help sustain me through the physical and emotional difficulties of this pregnancy. I was so emotional during Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on JOY. He quoted President Nelson & reminded us "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." My circumstances most likely aren't going to change anytime soon- I won't magically not feel nauseous & not throw up- but it was a great reminder for me to refocus on how grateful I am to be carrying this child. Our prayers have been answered and I know that Heavenly Father continues to listen to my prayers and give me the strength I need. (Also, I wanted to start applauding during Reyna Aburto's talk on mental illness! I'm sure if you've read any of my posts before, you won't be surprised by that. I was so happy that she was so straightforward. She deserves some sort of award, that's for sure! :)

-Just like my other blog posts, this is not meant to generate sympathy or pity. I'm doing this for me- partly just to express my thoughts & feelings, and another part is that I don't want to forget things & want to write it down. If anyone can relate to or be helped by anything I write, then that's just an added bonus :)

"Who are you wearing?"

In a church meeting this morning, the man addressing us pointed out that at big events, celebrities are frequently asked "Who are you wearing?", in reference to their expensive, flashy outfits. He then asked us the same question, "Who are you wearing?", and it's been something that stuck with me all day. Who am I wearing? 

I want to be able to say that I am "wearing" my Savior, Jesus Christ- that people are able to tell that I'm trying to follow Him & represent Him, based on the kind of person I am. At church on Sunday, my brother in law spoke to the congregation & reminded us that the Savior gave "Be Attitudes", not "Do" attitudes. Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are often known for things we are taught to do or not do- to dress modestly, to not drink alcohol or watch rated R movies, etc. However, as a member of Christ's church, are we also known for being like Him? While I believe that list of do's & don't's is important, because obedience is a key principle to building faith, what do they matter if we aren't actually being like Christ as we do them & as we go about our daily lives? I think if we are trying to follow the commandments but frequently judge the efforts of those around us during our attempts, we're missing the real big commandments of loving God & loving our neighbors.

The bishop, or leader of the congregation, also spoke & said that "Jesus Christ's way is the best way". I truly believe that & I've seen it in my life. I'm happiest when I'm making a conscious, consistent effort to follow Christ & be like Him. I'm going to keep asking myself, "Who am I wearing?", and adjust my thoughts & actions if I can't honestly give the answer of Jesus Christ.

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I wrote the above post over a week ago, but forgot to go back & post it. Just wanted to add something that I read on M. Russell Ballard's Instagram post this morning. I loved it & I feel like it's related to not judging others....

"Women have remarkable influence. You sisters have been divinely endowed with a unique kind of discernment and strength... Each of you must come to know what the Lord wants for you individually, given the choices before you. Once you know the Lord's will, you can then move forward in faith to fulfill your individual purpose.... Is it possible for two similarly faithful women to receive such different responses to the same basic questions? Absolutely! What's right for one woman may not be right for another. That's why it is so important that we should not question each other's choices or the inspiration behind them. And we should refrain from asking hurtful and unsupportive questions. We can all be kinder and more thoughtful of the situations in which our sisters throughout the world find themselves as they seek to follow the will of our Heavenly Father in their individual lives." 💙💙💙

Imagining the Future

"It's day 33," I thought to myself. "If I haven't started my period by tomorrow, I'll take a pregnancy test."

As the day went on, the more excited I got. I let myself imagine telling Christopher that he was going to be a dad- and what perfect timing with Father's Day right around the corner! My dad is visiting us soon & I imagined us giving him something that said Grandpa on it. On one hand, I felt like I had alarms going off in my head, warning me that there was pain ahead. It was a bad idea to be imagining these things. I've done it before & I was familiar with the hurt I felt when it didn't happen. I couldn't help myself though- I was imagining the future I wanted. I was so excited. It was finally going to happen, I could feel it. It was almost tangible!

The time came for me to take a pregnancy test, and once again, I was shattered when it was negative. I saw the one line & tried willing a second line to appear, but obviously that didn't work. For the next few hours, I threw myself into doing anything but thinking about the test. I had left it sitting on the bathroom counter, and I avoided going into the bathroom. I didn't want another reminder. 

When you're on fertility medication, your cycles are supposed to be "more regular". That being said, when I'm late & taking medication, my hopes get even higher that I'm pregnant. It's hard for me NOT to imagine things like how it will feel finally seeing 2 lines instead of 1, how I'm going to tell Christopher, how we'll cry happy tears for once, how we'll tell all of our family, etc. But imagining those things and then having a negative test is so heartbreaking. Then I grieve all of those things I had imagined and hoped for. It took me another few hours after Christopher got home from work to break the news to him. He just held me and let me cry, and I'm so grateful for the love and strength he gives me, even as he is hurting and grieving too.

I listened to a podcast this morning that reminded me that infertility is "reproductive trauma", which is the validation I needed. Infertility is hard & it sucks. We all have various things that are hard at different times in our lives. It's ok to struggle, to need help, to stay home from a social function that will be too hard. It's ok that I"m probably going to stay in my pajamas for the next few hours & watch a movie that will make me cry :)