Don't worry, I haven't given up on my blog! I've realized that I often write a post when I'm feeling really low and emotional, because it is very therapeutic and helps me process through things. Until the past few days, I haven't been at a point where I felt that urge to write like I have in the past.
So, update on our crazy journey with trying to have a baby: I've been told by quite a few people that people with PCOS experience positive changes by adjusting certain aspects of their diet. Going gluten and dairy free was the most recommended thing. A couple months ago, I just kept thinking about going dairy free, and here I am going on 2 months without milk or cheese. (Yes, ROUGH life! And I say without milk and cheese, and not dairy free, because I've cheated and had ice cream a couple times...) I haven't felt the need to go gluten free yet, but maybe some day in the future. Even though I haven't gotten pregnant on this new diet, my body has felt SO much better. I used to have a constant stomach ache and get little red bumps randomly on my arms, and I haven't had either of those since going off milk and cheese! My sister is lactose intolerant, so I wouldn't be surprised if I have a bit of that as well.
So, update on our crazy journey with trying to have a baby: I've been told by quite a few people that people with PCOS experience positive changes by adjusting certain aspects of their diet. Going gluten and dairy free was the most recommended thing. A couple months ago, I just kept thinking about going dairy free, and here I am going on 2 months without milk or cheese. (Yes, ROUGH life! And I say without milk and cheese, and not dairy free, because I've cheated and had ice cream a couple times...) I haven't felt the need to go gluten free yet, but maybe some day in the future. Even though I haven't gotten pregnant on this new diet, my body has felt SO much better. I used to have a constant stomach ache and get little red bumps randomly on my arms, and I haven't had either of those since going off milk and cheese! My sister is lactose intolerant, so I wouldn't be surprised if I have a bit of that as well.
My last period was 10 days late (yep, SO amazing!) and when I told my OBGYN, they told me it was time to go see a specialist, and recommended a nearby fertility clinic. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but going to the doctor gives me SO MUCH ANXIETY! I'm sure most of the doctors I've had think that I'm weird and/or incompetent because when they ask me questions, I'm so anxious I can barely respond. That being said, I made sure that Christopher could come with me to this new place. Thank goodness he was able to come, because he asked so many questions and helped me feel more comfortable. (Not that I still wasn't anxious, I legit started crying in our consultation, and then again when the nurse showed us a calendar breaking down our treatment plan and how much it would cost. Little too much for my fragile emotions to handle haha.)
As part of our treatment plan, I'll be going in every week and a half or so to get an ultrasound of my ovaries. With PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome), I really do have cysts ALL over my ovaries- I saw it in an ultrasound. Not normal and honestly kind creepy. Anyways, these ultrasounds allow the doctor to check on how my medicine is working, because it's supposed to help the cysts mature and form eggs. Keeping in mind my anxiety with doctors, I'm not necessarily a fan of the frequency of these appointments! I went in a few days ago to get a HSG, which is a test they do to make sure my tubes are clear enough for my eggs to travel through them. HOLY COW, if you don't ever need to get an HSG, don't - it sucked. The nurse practitioner, when she saw how anxious I was, was like, "Oh don't worry, it's not as bad as everyone says." Yeah right! Five minutes before that, the nurse walking me to the room asked if I had ever had an HSG before. When I said no, she said, "It's probably better that way...." in this super ominous tone! Yeah, that definitely helped my anxiety... I guess the pain and the spotting was worth it, knowing that my tubes are clear! One less thing we have to worry about.
We do have to choose between two different treatment plans though, which is very stressful! Still working on deciding which option to choose. Neither option is cheap, and it's hard to know which option will be more "worth it" in the long run, because I'd rather avoid throwing hundreds of dollars down the drain! But it's obviously pretty impossible to know if one will work on the first try. The doctor told us we could try Option A for 2-3 months, then try Option B for 2-3 months if that doesn't work. Option A is similar to what we were doing at the OBGYN, so our new doctor said he'd understand if we just want to go with Option B. If Option B doesn't work, we'll do IVF. Prayers are appreciated as Christopher and I make this decision :)
Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep; I just kept thinking about which option we should do, what I could do to budget our money better, etc. Once I realized it was a lost cause to go back to sleep, I listened to a talk by President Monson called, "I Will Not Fail Thee, Nor Forsake Thee." One of my favorite parts was when he said, "We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different than what we were- better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.... Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."
Initially, I'll admit that I wasn't a fan of hearing that. My first thought was, "Yes, I'm being tested to my limits, my heart is breaking, I'm grieving! And right now I don't necessarily want to be better than I am, more understanding, etc., if this is the price!" After I was able to stop crying and actually absorb the message, I realized how true this is. Sometimes, growing just HURTS, but I have to believe that, because Heavenly Father loves me, He wouldn't make me (us) go through all this for nothing.
Something else that was on my mind was a quote that I've had to read over and over the past few months: "One day at a time turns into weeks and months. If we thought we would have to do something for the rest of our lives, we might give up. But in God's mercy, we are given enough strength and insight to do all we need the very next day. Sometimes we wish Heavenly Father would lay out the whole plan, show us where the turn is weeks before we have to make it. Maybe then we would start to rely on our own strength and not on the Lord's. But I'd like to suggest that such is not the best way. One thing I have learned in watching... strong women is that doing something hard for an extended period of time requires us to rely on God's muscles, not our own." (Everyone should read, "You are More Than Enough, You are Magnificent" by Ganel-Lyn Condie! So many inspirational quotes like this.)
Like I said, I've had to remind myself so many times lately to rely on Heavenly Father. I often wonder how much longer it will be before Christopher and I will become parents. I know so many couples that had to wait for years, and I just think, "I don't know if I could make it that long! I can't do this!" Luckily, Heavenly Father is loving and understanding and He will send me gentle (sometimes not as gentle :) reminders that He is there and knows what He is doing. His muscles are WAY stronger than mine (I mean, have you seen my weak arms?) and He is there to strengthen me. Sometimes it does feel impossible thinking about being strong enough for weeks, months, years, etc. But I know that turning to Him daily for strength will get me through this. To anyone else wondering how much longer they will be asked to wait, to hurt, etc.... I don't know the exact answer, but I do know that He knows best. I forget that sometimes, but it's true. Keep going and keep trusting. It definitely isn't easy, but Heavenly Father IS there for you, for me, and for each of us, no matter what is going on in our lives.
Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep; I just kept thinking about which option we should do, what I could do to budget our money better, etc. Once I realized it was a lost cause to go back to sleep, I listened to a talk by President Monson called, "I Will Not Fail Thee, Nor Forsake Thee." One of my favorite parts was when he said, "We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different than what we were- better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.... Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."
Initially, I'll admit that I wasn't a fan of hearing that. My first thought was, "Yes, I'm being tested to my limits, my heart is breaking, I'm grieving! And right now I don't necessarily want to be better than I am, more understanding, etc., if this is the price!" After I was able to stop crying and actually absorb the message, I realized how true this is. Sometimes, growing just HURTS, but I have to believe that, because Heavenly Father loves me, He wouldn't make me (us) go through all this for nothing.
Something else that was on my mind was a quote that I've had to read over and over the past few months: "One day at a time turns into weeks and months. If we thought we would have to do something for the rest of our lives, we might give up. But in God's mercy, we are given enough strength and insight to do all we need the very next day. Sometimes we wish Heavenly Father would lay out the whole plan, show us where the turn is weeks before we have to make it. Maybe then we would start to rely on our own strength and not on the Lord's. But I'd like to suggest that such is not the best way. One thing I have learned in watching... strong women is that doing something hard for an extended period of time requires us to rely on God's muscles, not our own." (Everyone should read, "You are More Than Enough, You are Magnificent" by Ganel-Lyn Condie! So many inspirational quotes like this.)
Like I said, I've had to remind myself so many times lately to rely on Heavenly Father. I often wonder how much longer it will be before Christopher and I will become parents. I know so many couples that had to wait for years, and I just think, "I don't know if I could make it that long! I can't do this!" Luckily, Heavenly Father is loving and understanding and He will send me gentle (sometimes not as gentle :) reminders that He is there and knows what He is doing. His muscles are WAY stronger than mine (I mean, have you seen my weak arms?) and He is there to strengthen me. Sometimes it does feel impossible thinking about being strong enough for weeks, months, years, etc. But I know that turning to Him daily for strength will get me through this. To anyone else wondering how much longer they will be asked to wait, to hurt, etc.... I don't know the exact answer, but I do know that He knows best. I forget that sometimes, but it's true. Keep going and keep trusting. It definitely isn't easy, but Heavenly Father IS there for you, for me, and for each of us, no matter what is going on in our lives.
