Well, another month with no luck. I took a blood test on Monday to see if I was pregnant, and the results were negative. It still kills me to type that; I've avoided saying it, so it doesn't hurt as bad or seem as real. Plus, I got the news over the phone (honestly, I'd hate having that job of telling people their test results!), so that was pretty crappy and impersonal. I hung up and started sobbing. Already starting the next round of treatment tomorrow though! Fingers crossed...again.
When my husband and I were talking, in between all our tears, I admitted that I had faith, but I didn't feel like I had hope. And not just that I didn't have hope, but that I couldn't have it. I have faith that God loves me and has a plan for my life, and for some reason, this crappy, painful situation is part of that plan. However, hope hurts. I wouldn't say that I've gotten used to hearing the news that I'm not pregnant, but it's always hurts the most on the months when my hopes have been the highest. Like this past month- our first month of going to the fertility clinic. Part of me was so sure we'd get some good news, simply because we were going to a specialist, someone who understood our situation more, had more experience with PCOS, etc. And yet the other part of me felt like I should just expect bad news. Not because I want bad news, but because it's so hard to endure the pain if you're not expecting it. If I prepare myself for the possibility, it doesn't seem as bad.
And that's why I said I have no hope. I didn't want to have hope, because I didn't want to deal with the pain that goes along with it.
The next day, I was reading in Moroni chapter 10, in the Book of Mormon. In verse 20, it says, "Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope". I started crying when I read that (shocker, I know), because I felt like it was Heavenly Father's reminder to me that if I had faith, I had to also have hope. They go hand in hand.
Pretty clear message, right? But Heavenly Father knows I'm stubborn and slow to learn, so He sent me another reminder. I ended a social media fast that same day, and one of the first posts I saw when I got on Facebook again was a post from my mom's cousin. A post specifically about hope. She shared this quote: "Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will inherit eternal life in the celestial kingdom." (In case you were wondering, yes, I was crying again.)
I realized then that my perception and definition of hope, in relation to my situation, wasn't entirely complete. I was only thinking that hope was "believing and expecting that something will occur", and I was completely missing all the rest. Maybe that part of hope will always be hard for me as far as our journey with infertility goes, but I can work on the other parts. I can trust that the Lord will fulfill the promises He has made to me that I'll be a mother. I can do my best to be confident, optimistic, and enthusiastic, and to patiently persevere. I can work through my trials with the confidence and assurance that this whole long process will work together for my good. I can conquer discouragement, and I can have help to do so. And, best of all, I can have eternal life in the celestial kingdom with my family, including the kids I don't yet have, because of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know I will have to work at it, but I want to develop more hope, to go along with my faith.
General Conference weekend (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10?lang=eng) came at a perfect time, because I felt like I had a lot of guidance and inspiration fresh in my mind when I felt so sad, confused and hopeless the past few days. One quote that really resonated with me was: "Such glimpses of eternity can help us travel the next 100 yards". (M. Joseph Braugh, "Lift Up Your Head and Rejoice", quoting Neal A. Maxwell) These past 11 or so months of trying to have a baby (I still can't believe it hasn't quite been a year- it feels so much longer than that), I've had so many "glimpses of eternity" that have helped me make it the next 100 yards. I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who gives me enough faith, enough strength, enough hope, to make it the next 100 yards when it seems impossible. I know He is the one that gives me these glimpses of eternity so I can carry on.
Like I said, I'm still going to have to work on gaining the hope that I want. I feel like since I've been so resistant to having hope in the past, I still can't quite wrap my brain around the idea. But I'm going to try! What do I hope for? I hope that our treatments work soon so we can have a baby. I hope that I can see Christopher smile (and cry) when he holds that baby. I hope I can finally know what it feels like to hold my own baby in my arms. I've hoped for all of that and more for awhile now.... I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.
Wish me luck on my next 100 yards- and good luck on yours too :)
