When she first told us to make a list of our fears, I honestly laughed a little bit. I've been seeing a therapist for about two months now, and a few days prior to the lesson, my assignment was to make a similar list. As we went through the lesson, reading different scriptures with phrases like "Be not troubled", "do not fear", etc, I kept thinking "That is way easier said than done for me!"I finally raised my hand (making comments in class is something that makes me super anxious, so go me!) and basically just said that because I have an anxiety disorder, I couldn't just tell myself "be not troubled!" and I'd feel better. Part of me felt like the scriptures were saying that we shouldn't have fear, but fear is part of being human. It's about not letting those fears control us. It's also recognizing that we have divine help from Heavenly Father and our Savior to help us and strengthen us so we can keep going, even with those fears.
However, Heavenly Father isn't going to wave a magic wand and take our fears (or our anxiety, depression, etc.) away. We need to trust in Him, have hope & faith, etc. but part of that is also doing things to help ourselves. For me, going to therapy is part of what I'm doing to "be not troubled". I think Heavenly Father wants people to take advantage of things like medication and therapy, just like He would expect someone with a serious physical illness to go to the doctor. I'm not sharing this to make anyone uncomfortable, but honestly, if you are uncomfortable with me talking about things like going to therapy and medication, it's probably because of the stigma around mental health. Educate yourself and get past the discomfort :)
A couple of weeks before that lesson, I told my husband that if someone asked me if I went to therapy, I wouldn't deny it, but I wouldn't necessarily bring it up either. He just stared at me and said, "Break the stigma, Marlee!" Ok, isn't he just the best?! So this is me trying to break that stigma. I go to therapy because I need some extra help in my life! I've always had anxiety (which my therapist helped me realize, because I thought it just came up 5-6 years ago at the end of my mission... I was wrong) and some occasional depression, but my infertility has not only made my anxiety worse, but my depression as well. Going to therapy hasn't given me any sort of miraculous change or taken either of those things away from me, but it's definitely helped me not be overcome with fear or hopelessness. It's also helped me treat myself more kindly and to not feel so guilty about little mistakes I make; it's nice to be reminded that I'm not actually scum, which is how I tend to treat myself, unfortunately. I've also learned more about how my thoughts impact my behaviors, as well as skills to help change those thoughts.
Speaking of hope....A few months ago, I got a priesthood blessing from Christopher, telling me to turn to the scriptures and words of the living prophets when I needed comfort. This past month or so, I've tried to make that more of a priority. I recently read in 1 Nephi 19:24, "liken them [the scriptures] unto yourselves that ye may have hope". I felt like that was meant for me! I thought about the hope I've received lately from applying things in the scriptures to my own life. I've not only received hope, but strength, comfort, etc. which are, of course, related to hope.
When I initially started writing this post (which was about 3 weeks ago now; I've gone back to change a few things so it makes sense time wise), we had just found out that our IUI didn't work. That night when Christopher and I prayed together, I asked Heavenly Father to help us maintain our hope. When I ended the prayer, Christopher said he had been thinking that same phrase right as I said it. That little experience alone helped me maintain my hope :)
Moral of the story is, therapy is helping me. Therapy is not for "crazy" people, which is the stigma I've seen surrounding it and other things related to mental illnesses. If someone tells you they go to therapy, take meds, have anxiety, etc., don't look down on them. Be proud of them. If you aren't comfortable with or don't know a lot about things related to mental health, educate yourself. This isn't something that's going away, and I guarantee you'll have people in your life that have anxiety, depression, etc. (I don't even like saying you'll know someone that "struggles" with anxiety or depression. To me, using the word "struggle" is demeaning and has a negative connotation, like if that person were just stronger they would get over it and just be ok. Not how mental illnesses work, folks!) The more you understand, the easier it will be to help those you care about. Other moral of the story: I know that there is hope! I know that Heavenly Father can give us the hope and strength we need to do hard things. Keep going, friends! I've got this and you've got this :)
