True Faith = Trust in the Lord's Timetable

Last Sunday in church, we were talking in Relief Society about how we tend to not ask for help or talk about the hard things that are happening in our lives. Maybe it's because of pride, and we think we can handle it on our own, or maybe it's because we think our problems aren't significant compared to those of others. One of my friends said that when she was going through a really hard trial, she decided to write a blog. I've never been a blogger, but this whole morning the idea wouldn't leave my head, so here we are :) 

Some of you might be looking at this and be regretting that you clicked on this link, because you didn't realize it would be such a long post. If you don't want to finish reading, here's the moral of the story: I truly believe that Heavenly Father prepares us for trials and that one day, we can look back and see how our trials have prepared us for other things in our lives.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE little kids. I always have. I love babysitting, sitting next to kids in church, playing with my nieces and nephews, etc. My husband is the same way. Christopher's love for kids is actually one of the reasons that my best friend was convinced that we were made for each other. 

I don't think it should surprise anyone then, that both Christopher and I have been SO excited to be parents one day. A couple months after we got married, his parents told us and all of his siblings that they were going to take us on a cruise in November 2017. In order to go, we couldn't be more than 4 months pregnant or have to leave behind a newborn baby. Christopher and I were a little disappointed that we'd have to wait that long to try and have kids, but at the same time, it's not like we could complain that we were going on a cruise! We adjusted our plans so we could go on the cruise (which was SUPER fun, by the way!).

A lot of people knew that we were going to start trying to have kids after the cruise. We've gotten a lot of comments like, "The cruise is over! When are you going to have a baby?" Obviously, that's what we wanted our ideal plan was- get pregnant right after the cruise. However, that's obviously not what has happened. People who were trying to be supportive and nice by asking those questions really had no idea the struggles that Christopher and I were experiencing.

Every month since November, our hopes have gotten so high when my period didn't come on time- as in, it was more than 5 days late each month. Each month, I would wait and wait for my period to come-- and nothing. Christopher would ask me at least once a day if I had started. Each month, the more time that passed without my period coming, the more we were convinced that meant I was pregnant.... and the more it hurt when the tests would be negative.

After my 1st negative pregnancy test, I was so crushed. I honestly don't know how to explain how much it hurt, but I'm sure people who have been in that situation can relate. I tried to find peace and comfort. It was hard to not just dwell in my sadness, or to ask why I hadn't been able to get pregnant when I wanted to so badly. I found a talk by Dallin H. Oaks, "Trust in the Lord's Timetable". He says, "We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord's will and in the Lord's timing." That brought on a lot of self-reflection. I had to ask myself if I really had true faith in the Lord. I knew He wanted me to be a mother one day, but that I would have to wait for when He thought was best. Elder Oaks went on, "Someone has said that life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives....Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings." 

I eventually decided to go to the OBGYN and see if I could figure out why my cycles were so off. I hoped that we could go from there to figure out what we needed to do/change in order to have kids. In February, the doctor had me do some blood work; 2 weeks later I had to go back and do another test so we could compare the results. Earlier this week, I had a follow up appointment. The doctor told me that they had figured out what was wrong: I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Maybe I'm just not as familiar with medical terms as some people, but I had never even heard of that before. She started explaining what was happening in my body because I had PCOS. What she said really made sense, just because of pains I've had, other symptoms, etc. 

I was so relieved to have an explanation for why I hadn't been able to get pregnant yet. For months, part of me had felt like it was my fault we hadn't gotten pregnant yet, even though I knew that wasn't really true. The doctor told me, "It's a good thing you came in when you did, because you never would've been able to have kids on your own." When she initially told me that, I didn't think too much about it, because she immediately told me about some fertility medicine she was going to start me on, and that gave me hope. More hope than I'd had in months. However, the past couple of days, I've had that sentence come to my mind pretty frequently. It hurts to know that my body can't do what it's "supposed to do"- what I've always expected it to do when the time came. Obviously, I'm glad there's a way to still have kids (fingers crossed that this medicine works!) but I still have to fight those thoughts that there's something wrong with me and that this whole thing is my fault. For those few months, it hurt so badly that my cycles were so off, and that I had the hope that I could be pregnant. After I went to the doctor, I realized that if my periods hadn't been so off, I have no idea how long it would've taken me to find out I had PCOS. It could've been more months, even years. Who really knows. So as funny as it seems looking back, I'm grateful for the pain and hurt that led me to answers and to some peace.

Talking to a friend with PCOS has really helped. Obviously our experiences won't be the exact same, but it helps to hear the experiences of others. I have no idea who will actually end up reading this, and I don't really care- because I wrote this for myself more than anything. However, I hope that one day, reading this (or hearing whatever "my story" ends up being), will help someone else going through something similar. The experiences I've had lately have taught me how important it is to share what's going on in our lives. I think it helps us process through what's happening, but also it could help others. If you don't agree & think I'm weird for sharing, that's fine. But here's one experience that's taught me the important of sharing:

Some of our friends, not even knowing that Christopher and I were struggling with this, shared with us how hard it's been that they haven't been able to get pregnant. They said that this idea came to them: each person is very much impacted by the time and place that he/she is born. For example, if I hadn't been born when and where I was, my life could be very different right now. Maybe Heavenly Father wants our children to be born in a certain time/place, and that's why we haven't had kids yet. I'm sure that's not the only reason God hasn't given us our desire to be parents yet, but that explanation brought me some comfort. 

I'm glad I know now what was preventing me from getting pregnant. But that means that now my faith and trust in the Lord's timing will be put to the test again, as I wait to see how this medicine works. I'm grateful for the "tender mercies" I have received during the past few months. I know that my experience with infertility so far doesn't compare to many others who have dealt with this for much longer than I have, but my pain and sadness has still been just as real. The idea that it could take years scares me, but who knows if that will  end up being my experience. I'm trying to remember the peace and comfort I've received (and remember that it was sent by Heavenly Father), and to be grateful I have more answers than I did a few months ago.

The end :)