Self Care

For the past 3 years, I've worked at a residential treatment center called Heritage. I work with teenage girls ages 15-18, all with a variety of mental, social and emotional challenges. A lot of the girls I work with have anxiety, depression and/or bipolar disorder. Some are adopted and have attachment issues that stem from that. Others have trauma from abuse or other highly emotional situations. My job has been a big challenge, but it's also been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. For almost the past two years, I've worked in a full time position which has enabled me to have more influence on the girls' treatment plans. I've loved basically everything about this role- helping the girls set goals and then helping them follow through on those, planning fun activities and off campuses, seeing their struggles and subsequent triumphs firsthand, building enough trust and respect where they'll come to me when they are having a hard time and just need someone to talk to.... 

Lately, going to work has been really hard for me. I've felt more snappy and less patient with my girls. And I've hated it. I care about them so much and I knew I wasn't giving them my best. Not because I didn't want to, but because I just really am not capable of it right now. There were a lot of days where I dreaded going to work, and I'd never felt like that so consistently before. The stress and responsibility was getting to be too much, even though it had never really bothered me before- I'd always been able to handle it, loved it even. I came to the point where I realized I couldn't keep working in the position I had. (I thought about leaving Heritage and going somewhere else, but the thought always made my heart want to break. I can't explain how much I love my girls. And yes, I said MY girls because I care for them like they're my own sisters or daughters.) A part time position opened up on my home in the mornings, and I instantly knew I needed to take it. It would allow me to still work with my girls and stay at Heritage, but also free me from some of the stress and responsibility I had. Even though I've accepted this new position, it's still hard for me to let go of some of the control and influence I got accustomed to having. Now, I have to trust that whoever takes my spot will take care of my girls. Not necessarily in the same way I did, but with a similar attitude of love and care. 

I titled this blog post self care, because that's ultimately what my decision boiled down to. It was extremely difficult for me to make the decision to change positions, but I knew it was the best thing for me right now. Not being able to get pregnant has really taken its toll on me. People that haven't experienced this might not understand how much it hurts and affects you. I'm sure infertility impacts everyone differently, but for me it has made me more depressed and anxious than I've been in years. It makes me feel so worthless and inadequate sometimes, and I've hated dealing with those feelings again. And I knew that those feelings were part of why I was so snappy and impatient at work. Spending time with Christopher always helps put me in a better mood, so if our schedules had allowed us to be together more, I honestly don't think I would've needed to switch positions. But my schedule was full of late nights (going to work at 2:30 and not getting home until 11pm) and working weekends. Which was the exact opposite of Christopher's schedule. We rarely had more than a couple hours at a time together, and it was so hard to not be around his positivity and strength when I felt so depressed and worthless. Being around him reminds me that infertility isn't MY struggle, it's OUR struggle- something we will get through together. 

As hard as it's been to accept that I'm switching positions, this change honestly couldn't have come at a more perfect time. This past month, I was on a combination of Clomid and Femara. My period has always been predictable since I've been on these meds, but it wasn't coming this past month. I was also feeling really nauseous for almost a full week and had a lot of food aversions. After three days had passed since the time I should've started my period, Christopher and I were both so sure I was pregnant... even though neither one of us would dare acknowledge it out loud. My period ended up being 5 days late and to say we were crushed is putting it lightly. It hurt. A lot. But the fact that I had my weekends and evenings free to be able to spend time with him made such a difference compared to previous months. In the past, we've had to deal with the pain and sadness on our own, simply because we didn't see each other much. I'm glad that I made the decision to put myself and my marriage first. This will definitely be a big change in more ways than one, but I know If I'm not taking care of myself there's no way I could take care of my girls. I made the right decision for this time in my life. However, I do hope that one day I can go back to that full time position, because I miss it already. But obviously I'd also be fine with having babies and not working full time 😉