Bedke Bunch: My Mission

Today when I saw the announcement from the First Presidency that the rules for communication between missionaries and their families had changed, I cried. I've been thinking a lot about my mission the past week or so, and seeing this change helped give me the words I needed to express all that I had been thinking and feeling.

As I read about the changes, I couldn't help thinking that if they had been in place when I had been on my mission, I could look back on my mission now and not feel so much shame & guilt. It wasn't until just a few days ago that I even realized and admitted that I felt that way. This isn't me trying to make a confession for something I did wrong. This is me finally coming to terms with the fact that I did the best I could under the circumstances.

Both the beginning and middle of my mission are times that I absolutely love looking back on. I learned so much about myself, the culture I was in, the gospel, etc. and I met so many wonderful people. I still love them all so much. However, I dread thinking about the end of my mission. There were definitely some amazing memories and people during that time too, but it's harder for me to remember. My brain automatically associates the end of my mission with all of the bad, instead of the good. For the last part of my mission, I was really depressed. I think part of me knew that, but I had no idea what to do or how to ask for help. I felt like I was "losing it", but I was so close to going home, so I trudged along until the end. People would ask me how I felt about going home, expecting me to say I was sad or something along those lines, and I always felt guilty when I lied. I was honestly relieved to go home. I was able to make it until the end of my mission because I clung to the idea that everything would be different (easier) when I went home.

Looking back and knowing what I do now, I can think of a lot of things that contributed to my depression. I received quite a bit of criticism from someone, and that crushed my self-confidence in my abilities as a missionary. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and to do things well, and I saw myself as "failing" because I wasn't enjoying my work as much as before. That then led me to put even more pressure on myself, which then made me feel even more like a failure, etc. and I was stuck in that cycle. I also was a "sister training leader" during that time, and I think I felt a lot of responsibility with that. (I will say that some of the best times from the end of my mission are the exchanges I went on with some of those hermanas. I think because I was struggling, it was easier for me to connect with and notice when there were other missionaries who might have been experiencing something similar or just needed a friend!)

As a missionary, I was constantly told to "be the best missionary you can be", to "give it all you got" and to "not go home with any regrets". It wasn't until I few days ago, as I thought about my mission, that I was able to admit that I have a lot of shame associated with my mission. Because I wasn't as "successful" and didn't feel as happy at the end as I was at the beginning, I felt like I was a failure and didn't "give it all I had". Even now while writing this, I'm cringing, thinking of all of the things I could've done differently. BUT. Then I remembered, I was depressed! I felt like I was drowning and it was all I could do to just tread water, because I didn't seem to have the strength to swim. All things considered, I really did do the best I could. Almost four years after the fact, it's such a relief to be at a point that I can validate myself for that. (or at least try to do so :)

Maybe now, you'll understand why I cried hearing the communication changes. I definitely would have been a missionary who "benefited from increased personal contact with family at home." I'm not angry or upset that these changes are coming now and not then. I'm overjoyed for those missionaries who could be in similar situations as I was. I think if I had had the chance to talk to my parents on the phone during that time, I would've been able to find the words to express what I was feeling. There are some things you just can't put in a letter or email. I feel so blessed to be able to see this change, even if it doesn't directly effect me at the moment, and I'm happy for all of the missionaries serving/who are about to serve that can benefit from it. This is just more evidence to me the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are led by a loving God and that they also put a lot of effort into leading and guiding us. God loves us and watches over us!

If you're like me, you might have a hard time not beating yourself up over mistakes you make. I'm slowly learning how important it is to just forgive myself and move on/let go. I grew up hearing that, and being taught that I need to learn from my mistakes, but I tend to make the application of that concept more complicated than it needs to be. The moral of the story is this: Be kind to yourself. You are strong. You are brave. You are doing the best you can. If you're at a point where you feel like you're trudging along or trying not to drown, keep going! One day you will look back and understand more than you do now.

I loved my mission! I loved being able to serve my Savior and serve the people in California. I will be forever grateful I went. And for your entertainment, here's some of my favorite mission pictures and memories :)