This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I'm writing this post to do just that: raise awareness. Since moving, we've had so many people ask us when we're going to start having kids, and (with the encouragement of my therapist😉) I've started to tell them I have PCOS & haven't been able to have kids yet. It's been interesting, and sometimes hard & awkward, to see the various reactions we get. One thing I hope this post can accomplish is to help others know what to say (and what not to say) to their infertile friends & family members. As always, this is lengthy, so I hope you can make it until the end :)
1 in 8 couples experiences infertility.
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A few weeks ago, Christopher & I spoke in church (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are asked by local congregation leaders to give talks in our sacrament meetings). I was asked to speak on the address given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope". The first thing that came to my mind was our journey with infertility, so in my talk, I shared our story.
After our talks, I noticed that there have been 3 types of reactions by the rest of our ward (congregation). First, we've had women tell us their own journey with infertility. I could tell by the tears and the look in their eyes when they approached me that they knew what I was going through. I feel so loved by and connected to these women. They felt my pain & remembered their own. They understood the heartache I've felt, the tears I've shed. We've had other people in our lives that fall in this category, and I don't know what I would've done without you. We know we're not alone in this journey because of you. (Mommia, Kristine & Trisha, you get a special shout out 💗 Thank you for having a sixth sense for knowing when I needed some love.)
Another reaction we got was people telling us stories they've heard about infertility. A brother in our ward called this group the WMBI's (pronounced wemby's) - "well-meaning but ignorant". Honestly, I didn't want to hear about anyone's brother's neighbor's cousin who couldn't get pregnant for 9 years and then adopted, their old coworker that did IVF twice, etc. But I get why people say things like that. I really do. Before my experience with infertility, I probably would've done something similar. Infertility can be an awkward topic. People don't know what to say, but they feel bad for us and want to say something to encourage us. Like I said, well-meaning but ignorant. For me, it's not even that people say the words, it's that they're trying to relate to us when they really can't. Sharing a stranger's story doesn't mean you can relate to mine.
(I hope that if anyone is questioning whether or not they fit in the WMBI category because of things they've said, know that I'm over it by now. I'm writing this to help in future situations, not to bring up old ones or to make people feel second guess things they may have said. Also DISCLAIMER... Family- I hope you know that even though you might be able to learn something from this post, we don't include you in this category. Even if you can't relate to our experience, Christopher & I always feel your love & support. You know US & not just our story.)
I hope that y'all can learn something from this last group.... One lady came up to me after church, gave me a huge hug, and then just stuttered a little bit, trying to form words. Then she said, "I don't even know what to say." The more I've thought about it, the more I've love her reaction. I would much rather people admit that they don't know what to say to me, instead of saying something that ends up being hurtful, albeit unintentional. Another couple came up to me, thanked me for being vulnerable & said that they felt the importance of having hope with their hard things like I was trying to do with mine. Another great response. They acknowledged that they didn't "get it", but at the same time gave me love & support. Another lady texted me & said that she felt my pain & my hope, and was sending love my way. I felt that love from her! This group was empathetic & supportive, even while acknowledging the awkwardness and the fact that they really couldn't relate to my experience.
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"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.
The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.
We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."
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1. Learn more about infertility- this can educate you on what your friends/family are going through, what some misconceptions are, etc.
2. Ask them what they need- Hopefully self-explanatory
3. Know what to say- "I wish I knew what to say", "Do you want to talk about it?"
4. Know what not to say- Don't say phrases that starts with "You can always", such as "You can always adopt". And for couples that have a child but had a miscarriage or having infertility issues, don't use "At least" phrases, like "at least you already have a kid" or "at least you know you can get pregnant". Those phrases are invalidating! Don't tell us to "just relax & it'll happen" (you have know idea how hard it is to wait), that we're "lucky" to not have kids, etc.
5. Get involved in advocacy
(https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-can-i-support-a-friend-with-infertility-1960033).
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https://www.verywellfamily.com/national-infertility-awareness-week-niaw-1959978
- Infertility can be misunderstood, oversimplified, misrepresented, etc. and National Infertility Awareness Week helps change that!
https://www.bundledblessingsfertility.com/
- This foundation gives grants to help pay for infertility costs.
- DONATE $5 TO THEM VIA VENMO & YOU WON'T REGRET IT
- Most insurances don't cover infertility treatments. Last year, we spent thousands of dollars on our treatments- we did an IUI, had dozens of doctors appts, I took various medications for 10 months, had to pay for "trigger shots" to help me ovulate, and much more! That's not counting what we've done this year, or what we will have to do in the future- more IUI's, meds, IVF, maybe adoption. We don't know, but we know it will be pricey! But worth every penny 💓
https://www.verywellfamily.com/supporting-an-infertile-friend-what-not-to-do-1960011
- This one offers suggests of what not to do when supporting an infertile friend, such as:
- Stop assuming they don't want to hear anything about your new pregnancy or your kids
- Stop endlessly talking about your pregnancy
- Stop telling them they can "always adopt"
- Stop speaking on the Universe's behalf (ie "if it's meant to be, it will be")
- I definitely recommend reading it for more details on those suggestions, as well as others I didn't list.
- Great resource offering support to those with infertility
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