Balance

Sometimes after posting, I worry that I leave this impression that I sit around all day & wallow. Yes, infertility sucks, and yes I have some super hard moments or days. But Christopher & I try to not to let infertility define our lives & our marriage. There is so much more to us as individuals and as a couple than our infertility. I'm glad we shared our struggles with our ward, but now I feel like we're known as the couple that can't have kids. We're still trying to find the balance in our lives when it comes to our infertility--

I don't want to seem like I only talk about my infertility, but I also don't want to be silent about it.

I want people to know we have infertility, but I also don't want that to be defined by that. 

Infertility makes me cry a lot, but I want people to know I still consider myself to be happy & extremely blessed. 

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Here's a peek into what infertility is for me:

Infertility is loving & wanting to celebrate all the women in my life, but dreading the pain Mother's Day brings me. (I wrote this post 4-5 days before Mother's Day but then didn't end up sharing it-- this Mother's Day was definitely not as hard as last year. I had a lot of friends & family reach out to me, saying they were thinking of me, which I appreciated SO SO much! Love y'all. At church, one of the speakers said she had 3 daughters with infertility & knew Mother's Day could be so tough, and spoke on what it meant "to mother", rather than what it meant to be a mother. Another lady mentioned women waiting to have children in her prayer. I think it just helped me to feel acknowledged. I know infertility isn't the only reason Mother's Day can be tough!) 

Infertility is full of grief. I grieve for the future I thought would be mine by now, because in my mind I "should be a mom" at this point in my life. I always thought I would by now. That grief can just randomly hit me- when I hear a little toddler say "Mommy" in the grocery store, at baby blessings, when I walk by baby clothes in Target. Most of the time I'm fine, but when stuff like that randomly hits me, it hits me hard! 

Infertility is sometimes avoiding social media so I don't see more baby or pregnancy posts.

Infertility is awkward. I want to be a voice for infertility but sometimes it makes people feel really uncomfortable & then I feel guilty for saying things... trying to find the balance in that still. 

Infertility is trying a bunch of vitamins, medications, diets, etc. I've taken Clomid & Letrozole in so many varying doses & combinations that I've lost track of how many times I've taken it. I'm on a new medication (Metformin) & luckily I haven't had too bad of side effects like some people do, but I'm supposed to go up another 500mg & am a little nervous that the increase will bring more side effects.....

Infertility is trying to not hate my body for not doing the one thing I've always been taught & believed it should.

Infertility is lonely. Sometimes I feel like an outsider. Even though I'm 1 in 8, infertility isn't something that's openly talked about, so sometimes it feels like I'm the only one dealing with this. 

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And now here's an update on all things non-infertility related:

We bought a house & being home owners keeps us way way busy! The people that lived in the house before us didn't ever do yard work, so a couple times a week we're out pulling weeds, trimming trees, etc. We planted a garden, and had the nice surprise of discovering we have two plum trees on our property.We also are slowly getting the inside decorated, and I love making this home ours.

We just started watching Lost on Hulu since all of "our shows" have ended for the season.

We love going to watch my cousins play sports.

We bought a state park pass so we can hike every chance we get.

We went boating a few days ago & Christopher was so excited to find someone that will cliff jump with him. (Not me, in case you wondered)

We both have been going to yoga & we're proud of how far we've come. Our yoga teacher is going to Korea for 2 months, so we're sad about that but determined to keep practicing so we stay strong & don't lose all that we've gained.

We're trying to be better about meal planning & eating healthy. (Oops... I guess this one is sort of related to infertility because the doctor I saw who specializes in PCOS recommended a new diet that I'm trying to follow). My mindset on healthy eating is changing- instead of thinking that I'm punishing my body by eating certain foods/avoiding others, I'm trying to remind myself that by making healthier choices, I'm nourishing my body. It works most of the time, but I'm still pretty helpless when it comes to ice cream. Luckily (& sadly) there's no Krispy Kreme down here to tempt me.

I'm working at a preschool, and our preschool graduation is next week  (now it's actually today!). I only worked with these kids for a couple months but I love them to death & am so proud of how far they've come. I'm already looking forward to next year.

I applied to an online MSW program & am hoping to get an acceptance letter from them in June!

I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing over the summer, but I'm already looking forward to any chance we get to see family. Christopher & I love our family so much, and we take our role as aunt & uncle very seriously ;) 

Christopher is loving his job & is getting more responsibilities. He's a smart & hard worker. We live just a few minutes away from his office, so most days he's able to come home for lunch & we can eat together. 

Christopher plays basketball once a week but really misses playing with his group of friends back in Orem. He's the youngest one in this group & doesn't get as much of a workout :) 

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Just a couple more things..... Infertility really sucks, is lonely & hard, etc. but having all these other things in my life helps it not consume me. Even though there are days full of tears, most days I just go about my life. About a year ago, our infertility was something that was consuming me & I had to take certain steps to take care of myself, like step down from my job & start going to therapy. Here's another plug for self-care-- please take care of yourself & do things you love :) It's ok if "your best" looks different right now than it did at other points in your life.

Saying "I'm happy for you but sad for me" sounds so cliche, even disingenuous, but it's true. A lot of times my first reaction to seeing a baby/pregnancy post is an audible sign because I'm still grieving the fact that that's not me/us. I get a little heartache, but I really am happy for my friends & family that have babies. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't celebrate that part of their lives because I'm not a mom yet. Don't apologize or feel guilty around me, because I know everyone's life comes with its own set of struggles. 

Just like Christopher & I aren't defined by our infertility, I hope that whoever is reading this knows that the same is true for them. Your circumstances don't define you & you are so much more than whatever challenge or struggle you may be facing right now. I hope you all strive to find balance in your lives, whatever that looks like for you.