Pictures

I’m a big picture taker- I feel like if I don’t take a picture, I don’t remember the experience.

Maybe that’s why I don’t have any pictures that really depict our infertility. Because sometimes I don’t want to remember.

I don’t have any pictures of my reaction to being told I had PCOS. (Which was the reason behind our infertility)

I don’t have any pictures of our fertility clinics.

I don’t have any pictures of the shots I had to get. (I didn’t do IVF, but I had to do “trigger shots” to ensure that I was ovulating.)

I don’t have any pictures of all the different types and combinations of medications I tried.

I don’t have pictures of any of our negative pregnancy tests. Or any of the negative ovulation tests.

I don’t have any pictures of me sitting anxiously in my appointments.

I don’t have any pictures of Wanda.

I don’t have any pictures of our medical bills.

I don't have any pictures of the diet changes I made that were suggested by my doctor. (Eating whole grains & lots of veggies plus limiting dairy & gluten & sugar is beneficial for people with PCOS)

I don't have any pictures of the impact our infertility had on my mental health.

I don't have of pictures me leaving my full time position that I absolutely loved because of the toll infertility had taken on my ability to do my job.

I don't have any pictures of the times I cried over my body's inability to do what I had always been taught it "should" do.

I don’t have any pictures of the hurt I tried to hide when people would make invalidating comments like “Just relax” or “It’ll happen, just have faith in God’s plan for you!”

I don't have any pictures of us waiting by the phone to hear the results of my blood tests (I'd get my blood drawn at the clinic a few days after I had a procedure, which would then tell us if I was pregnant or not.)

I don’t have any pictures of me doubled over & sobbing after the fertility clinic called me & told me our IUI didn’t work.

I don’t have any pictures of our confusion after the fertility clinic called to tell us our IVF study was getting pushed back... again.

I don’t have any pictures of Christopher & I holding each other in our heartbreak.

I also don’t have any pictures of the hundreds of prayers that were said on our behalf. Picturing my nieces & nephews praying for us will always be so tender!️

I don’t have pictures of my conversations with friends and family that were genuinely empathetic.

I don’t have any pictures of the supportive, uplifting messages I got from people after I shared a blog post.

I don’t have any pictures of the sweet, unexpected packages that my angel friend in GA would send me.

I don't have any pictures of the progress I made when I shared my experiences in therapy.

I don’t have any pictures of the conversations I had with my amazing neighbors and friends in Orem who shared their experiences with me. (If any of you ladies are reading this- I freaking love you & am forever grateful for your strength & support & listening ears️)

I don’t have any pictures of the people in St. George who rallied around us after I shared our experience with infertility when we moved in. Some of them also had infertility and some were just kind people who wanted us to know we weren't alone. There are good people everywhere!

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Maybe I don’t have pictures of any of these things, but the memories of those experiences and emotions will always be etched on my heart. (Unfortunately and fortunately, I guess.) Since it's National Infertility Awareness Week, those thoughts, emotions and experiences have been especially prevalent in my mind.

Just because I was able to get pregnant doesn’t mean my infertility is “over” or that I’m not still impacted by my infertility. Each infertility story is different and comparing infertility stories is demeaning and pointless.
Support and validation means everything to someone experiencing infertility. It’s a traumatic experience. I’ve never felt more alone than when I was going through infertility.

After I wrote my initial blogpost explaining our infertility, I was generally pretty open about my experiences. But not everyone is. Whether you’re aware of it or not, there’s a good chance someone you know is impacted by infertility. Maybe they don’t want to talk about it- respect their choices.

If they’re open to talking, ask them what they need or what kind of comments are helpful for them.
Even if you feel like you know what kind of comments you should or shouldn’t make to someone with infertility, I’d encourage you to think about whether or not the "advice" you want to give is warranted or validating.

The one that was always the most frustrating to me was people saying “oh my nephew’s brother couldn’t get pregnant but then they did XYZ and boom! They got pregnant!” Those comments always made me feel like the person didn’t actually care about MY experience because they couldn’t think of anything to say besides bringing up someone else’s experience (And it was usually someone they didn’t really even know. It was different when someone shared their own experience with infertility.) And again, it’s pointless to compare infertility stories! Don’t do it! Having good intentions behind comments like that doesn’t take away the hurt. I still love you if you ever said anything like that to me though. But now you know better for the next person.

If you’re a fellow “1 in 8”, I’m always here if you need to vent. You don’t need to share your experiences in the same way as anyone else, but I hope that you have at least one other person you can turn to. You are not alone in this. (Also.... whether or not infertility is the struggle you're facing- take pictures! Find a way to capture the hard parts of your life, because they aren't any less real or important than the "good" parts!)

1 in 8

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I'm writing this post to do just that: raise awareness. Since moving, we've had so many people ask us when we're going to start having kids, and (with the encouragement of my therapist😉) I've started to tell them I have PCOS & haven't been able to have kids yet. It's been interesting, and sometimes hard & awkward, to see the various reactions we get. One thing I hope this post can accomplish is to help others know what to say (and what not to say) to their infertile friends & family members. As always, this is lengthy, so I hope you can make it until the end :) 

1 in 8 couples experiences infertility. 

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A few weeks ago, Christopher & I spoke in church (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are asked by local congregation leaders to give talks in our sacrament meetings). I was asked to speak on the address given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope". The first thing that came to my mind was our journey with infertility, so in my talk, I shared our story.

After our talks, I noticed that there have been 3 types of reactions by the rest of our ward (congregation). First, we've had women tell us their own journey with infertility. I could tell by the tears and the look in their eyes when they approached me that they knew what I was going through. I feel so loved by and connected to these women. They felt my pain & remembered their own. They understood the heartache I've felt, the tears I've shed. We've had other people in our lives that fall in this category, and I don't know what I would've done without you. We know we're not alone in this journey because of you. (Mommia, Kristine & Trisha, you get a special shout out 💗 Thank you for having a sixth sense for knowing when I needed some love.)

Another reaction we got was people telling us stories they've heard about infertility. A brother in our ward called this group the WMBI's (pronounced wemby's) - "well-meaning but ignorant". Honestly, I didn't want to hear about anyone's brother's neighbor's cousin who couldn't get pregnant for 9 years and then adopted, their old coworker that did IVF twice, etc. But I get why people say things like that. I really do. Before my experience with infertility, I probably would've done something similar. Infertility can be an awkward topic. People don't know what to say, but they feel bad for us and want to say something to encourage us. Like I said, well-meaning but ignorant. For me, it's not even that people say the words, it's that they're trying to relate to us when they really can't. Sharing a stranger's story doesn't mean you can relate to mine.

(I hope that if anyone is questioning whether or not they fit in the WMBI category because of things they've said, know that I'm over it by now. I'm writing this to help in future situations, not to bring up old ones or to make people feel second guess things they may have said. Also DISCLAIMER... Family- I hope you know that even though you might be able to learn something from this post, we don't include you in this category. Even if you can't relate to our experience, Christopher & I always feel your love & support. You know US & not just our story.) 

I hope that y'all can learn something from this last group.... One lady came up to me after church, gave me a huge hug, and then just stuttered a little bit, trying to form words. Then she said, "I don't even know what to say." The more I've thought about it, the more I've love her reaction. I would much rather people admit that they don't know what to say to me, instead of saying something that ends up being hurtful, albeit unintentional. Another couple came up to me, thanked me for being vulnerable & said that they felt the importance of having hope with their hard things like I was trying to do with mine. Another great response. They acknowledged that they didn't "get it", but at the same time gave me love & support.  Another lady texted me & said that she felt my pain & my hope, and was sending love my way. I felt that love from her! This group was empathetic & supportive, even while acknowledging the awkwardness and the fact that they really couldn't relate to my experience.

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"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. 

The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.

We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

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Points from the article "How Can I Support a Friend with Infertility?", which was one of my favorites:

1. Learn more about infertility- this can educate you on what your friends/family are going through, what some misconceptions are, etc.

2. Ask them what they need- Hopefully self-explanatory

3. Know what to say- "I wish I knew what to say", "Do you want to talk about it?"

4. Know what not to say- Don't say phrases that starts with "You can always", such as "You can always adopt". And for couples that have a child but had a miscarriage or having infertility issues, don't use "At least" phrases, like "at least you already have a kid" or "at least you know you can get pregnant". Those phrases are invalidating! Don't tell us to "just relax & it'll happen" (you have know idea how hard it is to wait), that we're "lucky" to not have kids, etc.

5. Get involved in advocacy

(https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-can-i-support-a-friend-with-infertility-1960033).

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I hope y'all have learned something from this. Be empathetic to everyone you meet. Don't pretend to understand. Validate & love. Christopher & I are so thankful for all the love & support we have felt from our family & friends. We know Jesus Christ is our Savior. We have felt Him through the peace, hope & strength we have had during the last year & a half. We love Him, we love each other, we love our future kids & we love all of you. 

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Here are some other great reads & resources for those interested:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/national-infertility-awareness-week-niaw-1959978

• Infertility can be misunderstood, oversimplified, misrepresented, etc. and National Infertility Awareness Week helps change that!

https://www.bundledblessingsfertility.com/

• This foundation gives grants to help pay for infertility costs. 
• DONATE $5 TO THEM VIA VENMO & YOU WON'T REGRET IT
• Most insurances don't cover infertility treatments. Last year, we spent thousands of dollars on our treatments- we did an IUI, had dozens of doctors appts, I took various medications for 10 months, had to pay for "trigger shots" to help me ovulate, and much more! That's not counting what we've done this year, or what we will have to do in the future- more IUI's, meds, IVF, maybe adoption. We don't know, but we know it will be pricey! But worth every penny 💓

https://www.verywellfamily.com/supporting-an-infertile-friend-what-not-to-do-1960011

• This one offers suggests of what not to do when supporting an infertile friend, such as:
• Stop assuming they don't want to hear anything about your new pregnancy or your kids 
• Stop endlessly talking about your pregnancy
• Stop telling them they can "always adopt"
• Stop speaking on the Universe's behalf (ie "if it's meant to be, it will be")
• I definitely recommend reading it for more details on those suggestions, as well as others I didn't list.

https://resolve.org/

• Great resource offering support to those with infertility