Pictures

I’m a big picture taker- I feel like if I don’t take a picture, I don’t remember the experience.

Maybe that’s why I don’t have any pictures that really depict our infertility. Because sometimes I don’t want to remember.

I don’t have any pictures of my reaction to being told I had PCOS. (Which was the reason behind our infertility)

I don’t have any pictures of our fertility clinics.

I don’t have any pictures of the shots I had to get. (I didn’t do IVF, but I had to do “trigger shots” to ensure that I was ovulating.)

I don’t have any pictures of all the different types and combinations of medications I tried.

I don’t have pictures of any of our negative pregnancy tests. Or any of the negative ovulation tests.

I don’t have any pictures of me sitting anxiously in my appointments.

I don’t have any pictures of Wanda.

I don’t have any pictures of our medical bills.

I don't have any pictures of the diet changes I made that were suggested by my doctor. (Eating whole grains & lots of veggies plus limiting dairy & gluten & sugar is beneficial for people with PCOS)

I don't have any pictures of the impact our infertility had on my mental health.

I don't have of pictures me leaving my full time position that I absolutely loved because of the toll infertility had taken on my ability to do my job.

I don't have any pictures of the times I cried over my body's inability to do what I had always been taught it "should" do.

I don’t have any pictures of the hurt I tried to hide when people would make invalidating comments like “Just relax” or “It’ll happen, just have faith in God’s plan for you!”

I don't have any pictures of us waiting by the phone to hear the results of my blood tests (I'd get my blood drawn at the clinic a few days after I had a procedure, which would then tell us if I was pregnant or not.)

I don’t have any pictures of me doubled over & sobbing after the fertility clinic called me & told me our IUI didn’t work.

I don’t have any pictures of our confusion after the fertility clinic called to tell us our IVF study was getting pushed back... again.

I don’t have any pictures of Christopher & I holding each other in our heartbreak.

I also don’t have any pictures of the hundreds of prayers that were said on our behalf. Picturing my nieces & nephews praying for us will always be so tender!️

I don’t have pictures of my conversations with friends and family that were genuinely empathetic.

I don’t have any pictures of the supportive, uplifting messages I got from people after I shared a blog post.

I don’t have any pictures of the sweet, unexpected packages that my angel friend in GA would send me.

I don't have any pictures of the progress I made when I shared my experiences in therapy.

I don’t have any pictures of the conversations I had with my amazing neighbors and friends in Orem who shared their experiences with me. (If any of you ladies are reading this- I freaking love you & am forever grateful for your strength & support & listening ears️)

I don’t have any pictures of the people in St. George who rallied around us after I shared our experience with infertility when we moved in. Some of them also had infertility and some were just kind people who wanted us to know we weren't alone. There are good people everywhere!

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Maybe I don’t have pictures of any of these things, but the memories of those experiences and emotions will always be etched on my heart. (Unfortunately and fortunately, I guess.) Since it's National Infertility Awareness Week, those thoughts, emotions and experiences have been especially prevalent in my mind.

Just because I was able to get pregnant doesn’t mean my infertility is “over” or that I’m not still impacted by my infertility. Each infertility story is different and comparing infertility stories is demeaning and pointless.
Support and validation means everything to someone experiencing infertility. It’s a traumatic experience. I’ve never felt more alone than when I was going through infertility.

After I wrote my initial blogpost explaining our infertility, I was generally pretty open about my experiences. But not everyone is. Whether you’re aware of it or not, there’s a good chance someone you know is impacted by infertility. Maybe they don’t want to talk about it- respect their choices.

If they’re open to talking, ask them what they need or what kind of comments are helpful for them.
Even if you feel like you know what kind of comments you should or shouldn’t make to someone with infertility, I’d encourage you to think about whether or not the "advice" you want to give is warranted or validating.

The one that was always the most frustrating to me was people saying “oh my nephew’s brother couldn’t get pregnant but then they did XYZ and boom! They got pregnant!” Those comments always made me feel like the person didn’t actually care about MY experience because they couldn’t think of anything to say besides bringing up someone else’s experience (And it was usually someone they didn’t really even know. It was different when someone shared their own experience with infertility.) And again, it’s pointless to compare infertility stories! Don’t do it! Having good intentions behind comments like that doesn’t take away the hurt. I still love you if you ever said anything like that to me though. But now you know better for the next person.

If you’re a fellow “1 in 8”, I’m always here if you need to vent. You don’t need to share your experiences in the same way as anyone else, but I hope that you have at least one other person you can turn to. You are not alone in this. (Also.... whether or not infertility is the struggle you're facing- take pictures! Find a way to capture the hard parts of your life, because they aren't any less real or important than the "good" parts!)

"Be Not Troubled"

A few of weeks ago in church, our Relief Society lesson was titled "Be Not Troubled". The teacher asked us to make a list of our biggest fears, and then, as we read and discussed various scriptures, she asked us to write down things that helped us overcome those fears.
When she first told us to make a list of our fears, I honestly laughed a little bit. I've been seeing a therapist for about two months now, and a few days prior to the lesson, my assignment was to make a similar list. As we went through the lesson, reading different scriptures with phrases like "Be not troubled", "do not fear", etc, I kept thinking "That is way easier said than done for me!"I finally raised my hand (making comments in class is something that makes me super anxious, so go me!) and basically just said that because I have an anxiety disorder, I couldn't just tell myself "be not troubled!" and I'd feel better. Part of me felt like the scriptures were saying that we shouldn't have fear, but fear is part of being human. It's about not letting those fears control us. It's also recognizing that we have divine help from Heavenly Father and our Savior to help us and strengthen us so we can keep going, even with those fears.
However, Heavenly Father isn't going to wave a magic wand and take our fears (or our anxiety, depression, etc.) away. We need to trust in Him, have hope & faith, etc. but part of that is also doing things to help ourselves. For me, going to therapy is part of what I'm doing to "be not troubled". I think Heavenly Father wants people to take advantage of things like medication and therapy, just like He would expect someone with a serious physical illness to go to the doctor. I'm not sharing this to make anyone uncomfortable, but honestly, if you are uncomfortable with me talking about things like going to therapy and medication, it's probably because of the stigma around mental health. Educate yourself and get past the discomfort :)
A couple of weeks before that lesson, I told my husband that if someone asked me if I went to therapy, I wouldn't deny it, but I wouldn't necessarily bring it up either. He just stared at me and said, "Break the stigma, Marlee!" Ok, isn't he just the best?! So this is me trying to break that stigma. I go to therapy because I need some extra help in my life! I've always had anxiety (which my therapist helped me realize, because I thought it just came up 5-6 years ago at the end of my mission... I was wrong) and some occasional depression, but my infertility has not only made my anxiety worse, but my depression as well. Going to therapy hasn't given me any sort of miraculous change or taken either of those things away from me, but it's definitely helped me not be overcome with fear or hopelessness. It's also helped me treat myself more kindly and to not feel so guilty about little mistakes I make; it's nice to be reminded that I'm not actually scum, which is how I tend to treat myself, unfortunately. I've also learned more about how my thoughts impact my behaviors, as well as skills to help change those thoughts.
Speaking of hope....A few months ago, I got a priesthood blessing from Christopher, telling me to turn to the scriptures and words of the living prophets when I needed comfort. This past month or so, I've tried to make that more of a priority. I recently read in 1 Nephi 19:24, "liken them [the scriptures] unto yourselves that ye may have hope". I felt like that was meant for me! I thought about the hope I've received lately from applying things in the scriptures to my own life. I've not only received hope, but strength, comfort, etc. which are, of course, related to hope.
When I initially started writing this post (which was about 3 weeks ago now; I've gone back to change a few things so it makes sense time wise), we had just found out that our IUI didn't work. That night when Christopher and I prayed together, I asked Heavenly Father to help us maintain our hope. When I ended the prayer, Christopher said he had been thinking that same phrase right as I said it. That little experience alone helped me maintain my hope :)

Moral of the story is, therapy is helping me. Therapy is not for "crazy" people, which is the stigma I've seen surrounding it and other things related to mental illnesses. If someone tells you they go to therapy, take meds, have anxiety, etc., don't look down on them. Be proud of them. If you aren't comfortable with or don't know a lot about things related to mental health, educate yourself. This isn't something that's going away, and I guarantee you'll have people in your life that have anxiety, depression, etc. (I don't even like saying you'll know someone that "struggles" with anxiety or depression. To me, using the word "struggle" is demeaning and has a negative connotation, like if that person were just stronger they would get over it and just be ok. Not how mental illnesses work, folks!) The more you understand, the easier it will be to help those you care about. Other moral of the story: I know that there is hope! I know that Heavenly Father can give us the hope and strength we need to do hard things. Keep going, friends! I've got this and you've got this :)

(Quick fertility update for those interested: We were able to meet with our doctor and he gave us some more treatment options. We can do the IUI a couple more times, with only about a 20% chance of success, or we can wait for a IVF study to have an opening that will help us pay for it, which would be about a 70% chance of success. For the next couple months, we ultimately decided to take a break from treatment. It was just way too hard on me (both of us) emotionally and I felt like I needed a couple months where I wouldn't hear bad news. Obviously it'll still be hard hearing we might not be pregnant just doing it on our own, but it's been so much harder to hear it after trying and paying for extra treatments and still getting negative results.)

Moms, May & Mental Health

I am super passionate about mental health awareness.... if it even makes sense to say I'm passionate about it. The stigma around mental health is something that bothers me more than I can say.  Mental illnesses are just that- illnesses! In a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "Like a Broken Vessel", he states, speaking of mental illnesses, "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of malignant tumor." My hope is that we can all be more understanding of mental illnesses, and prevent people from feeling the shame and stigma that often comes with such things. 
Growing up, my mom experienced her share of mental health problems, specifically with anxiety and major depressive disorder (MDD). I didn't understand it when I was younger, but I do remember being about 8 years old and looking at my mom laying down in her bed. I remember recognizing that, even though my mom obviously wasn't feeling well, it wasn't her body that was sick- it was something else. The older I got, the more I was able to understand her situation. I remember one time being so angry at her for sitting in her room all day instead of doing things around the house. My stupid 16 year old self snapped at her, and I've never been able to forget the pain I saw in her eyes after I said what I did. That's when I was hit with the fact that my mom wasn't choosing to be depressed. In fact, she hated it. She hated that it prevented her from doing things that she would otherwise do. She couldn't control when she felt depressed or had a panic attack. As embarrassing as that moment is for me to remember, I'm grateful that it happened so I could realize that mental illnesses really aren't something that people want. These problems really aren't as easily controlled as people think. So often, people assume that those with mental illnesses can just "snap out of it". Wrong! It's not that simple. My mom didn't just sit around hoping to be depressed. Some people seemed to think that she put no effort into being happy, and people even said things like that to me. I often didn't know how to respond when people would make those critical comments, especially when it was family members that would say those things, but I just knew that I was SO angry. This was my mom people were talking about. I felt so protective over her, but didn't know how to stand up when I had the opportunity. 
The end of my mission/for a few months after I got home from my mission, I had my own struggles with anxiety and depression (mainly anxiety). For the most part I've been fine since then, but all this infertility stuff has been hard. On Mother's Day, I was an emotional wreck. Luckily though, Heavenly Father sent me some tender mercies, like my favorite little twins sitting with me at church and being able to leave work early and spend time with my sweet husband. I've found that those tender mercies always come. My mom also sent me this quote from Sharon Eubank- "To all the women, who are uncomfortable on Mother's Day, I would say: Don't let sadness obscure your view. Your covenants have already paved your path. Keep going. You are doing better than you know... What might the Lord say to us? I think He would throw His arms around us and let us know we are worthy enough to keep going and our sacrifices have been acceptable before Him. He would tell us He is reserving for us all that is in our hearts, unspoken things that only He could know. He would say that He sees us and all we do behind the scenes, that we are not invisible to Him."
So to all the moms out there that have depression, anxiety or any other mental health problems, I just want to let you know that your kids love you. And they know you love them. Maybe they don't understand what you're going through, but time and maturity will help with that. You will always be their mother. 
To everyone else with mental illnesses, keep going! Read Elder Holland's talk, do something that you love! To those without mental illnesses- refrain from judging! Listening goes a long way. "Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental and kind."
The end :) 
(Yes, I know it's June now, I just forgot to publish this post in May :)