Imagining the Future

"It's day 33," I thought to myself. "If I haven't started my period by tomorrow, I'll take a pregnancy test."

As the day went on, the more excited I got. I let myself imagine telling Christopher that he was going to be a dad- and what perfect timing with Father's Day right around the corner! My dad is visiting us soon & I imagined us giving him something that said Grandpa on it. On one hand, I felt like I had alarms going off in my head, warning me that there was pain ahead. It was a bad idea to be imagining these things. I've done it before & I was familiar with the hurt I felt when it didn't happen. I couldn't help myself though- I was imagining the future I wanted. I was so excited. It was finally going to happen, I could feel it. It was almost tangible!

The time came for me to take a pregnancy test, and once again, I was shattered when it was negative. I saw the one line & tried willing a second line to appear, but obviously that didn't work. For the next few hours, I threw myself into doing anything but thinking about the test. I had left it sitting on the bathroom counter, and I avoided going into the bathroom. I didn't want another reminder. 

When you're on fertility medication, your cycles are supposed to be "more regular". That being said, when I'm late & taking medication, my hopes get even higher that I'm pregnant. It's hard for me NOT to imagine things like how it will feel finally seeing 2 lines instead of 1, how I'm going to tell Christopher, how we'll cry happy tears for once, how we'll tell all of our family, etc. But imagining those things and then having a negative test is so heartbreaking. Then I grieve all of those things I had imagined and hoped for. It took me another few hours after Christopher got home from work to break the news to him. He just held me and let me cry, and I'm so grateful for the love and strength he gives me, even as he is hurting and grieving too.

I listened to a podcast this morning that reminded me that infertility is "reproductive trauma", which is the validation I needed. Infertility is hard & it sucks. We all have various things that are hard at different times in our lives. It's ok to struggle, to need help, to stay home from a social function that will be too hard. It's ok that I"m probably going to stay in my pajamas for the next few hours & watch a movie that will make me cry :) 

Balance

Sometimes after posting, I worry that I leave this impression that I sit around all day & wallow. Yes, infertility sucks, and yes I have some super hard moments or days. But Christopher & I try to not to let infertility define our lives & our marriage. There is so much more to us as individuals and as a couple than our infertility. I'm glad we shared our struggles with our ward, but now I feel like we're known as the couple that can't have kids. We're still trying to find the balance in our lives when it comes to our infertility--

I don't want to seem like I only talk about my infertility, but I also don't want to be silent about it.

I want people to know we have infertility, but I also don't want that to be defined by that. 

Infertility makes me cry a lot, but I want people to know I still consider myself to be happy & extremely blessed. 

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Here's a peek into what infertility is for me:

Infertility is loving & wanting to celebrate all the women in my life, but dreading the pain Mother's Day brings me. (I wrote this post 4-5 days before Mother's Day but then didn't end up sharing it-- this Mother's Day was definitely not as hard as last year. I had a lot of friends & family reach out to me, saying they were thinking of me, which I appreciated SO SO much! Love y'all. At church, one of the speakers said she had 3 daughters with infertility & knew Mother's Day could be so tough, and spoke on what it meant "to mother", rather than what it meant to be a mother. Another lady mentioned women waiting to have children in her prayer. I think it just helped me to feel acknowledged. I know infertility isn't the only reason Mother's Day can be tough!) 

Infertility is full of grief. I grieve for the future I thought would be mine by now, because in my mind I "should be a mom" at this point in my life. I always thought I would by now. That grief can just randomly hit me- when I hear a little toddler say "Mommy" in the grocery store, at baby blessings, when I walk by baby clothes in Target. Most of the time I'm fine, but when stuff like that randomly hits me, it hits me hard! 

Infertility is sometimes avoiding social media so I don't see more baby or pregnancy posts.

Infertility is awkward. I want to be a voice for infertility but sometimes it makes people feel really uncomfortable & then I feel guilty for saying things... trying to find the balance in that still. 

Infertility is trying a bunch of vitamins, medications, diets, etc. I've taken Clomid & Letrozole in so many varying doses & combinations that I've lost track of how many times I've taken it. I'm on a new medication (Metformin) & luckily I haven't had too bad of side effects like some people do, but I'm supposed to go up another 500mg & am a little nervous that the increase will bring more side effects.....

Infertility is trying to not hate my body for not doing the one thing I've always been taught & believed it should.

Infertility is lonely. Sometimes I feel like an outsider. Even though I'm 1 in 8, infertility isn't something that's openly talked about, so sometimes it feels like I'm the only one dealing with this. 

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And now here's an update on all things non-infertility related:

We bought a house & being home owners keeps us way way busy! The people that lived in the house before us didn't ever do yard work, so a couple times a week we're out pulling weeds, trimming trees, etc. We planted a garden, and had the nice surprise of discovering we have two plum trees on our property.We also are slowly getting the inside decorated, and I love making this home ours.

We just started watching Lost on Hulu since all of "our shows" have ended for the season.

We love going to watch my cousins play sports.

We bought a state park pass so we can hike every chance we get.

We went boating a few days ago & Christopher was so excited to find someone that will cliff jump with him. (Not me, in case you wondered)

We both have been going to yoga & we're proud of how far we've come. Our yoga teacher is going to Korea for 2 months, so we're sad about that but determined to keep practicing so we stay strong & don't lose all that we've gained.

We're trying to be better about meal planning & eating healthy. (Oops... I guess this one is sort of related to infertility because the doctor I saw who specializes in PCOS recommended a new diet that I'm trying to follow). My mindset on healthy eating is changing- instead of thinking that I'm punishing my body by eating certain foods/avoiding others, I'm trying to remind myself that by making healthier choices, I'm nourishing my body. It works most of the time, but I'm still pretty helpless when it comes to ice cream. Luckily (& sadly) there's no Krispy Kreme down here to tempt me.

I'm working at a preschool, and our preschool graduation is next week  (now it's actually today!). I only worked with these kids for a couple months but I love them to death & am so proud of how far they've come. I'm already looking forward to next year.

I applied to an online MSW program & am hoping to get an acceptance letter from them in June!

I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing over the summer, but I'm already looking forward to any chance we get to see family. Christopher & I love our family so much, and we take our role as aunt & uncle very seriously ;) 

Christopher is loving his job & is getting more responsibilities. He's a smart & hard worker. We live just a few minutes away from his office, so most days he's able to come home for lunch & we can eat together. 

Christopher plays basketball once a week but really misses playing with his group of friends back in Orem. He's the youngest one in this group & doesn't get as much of a workout :) 

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Just a couple more things..... Infertility really sucks, is lonely & hard, etc. but having all these other things in my life helps it not consume me. Even though there are days full of tears, most days I just go about my life. About a year ago, our infertility was something that was consuming me & I had to take certain steps to take care of myself, like step down from my job & start going to therapy. Here's another plug for self-care-- please take care of yourself & do things you love :) It's ok if "your best" looks different right now than it did at other points in your life.

Saying "I'm happy for you but sad for me" sounds so cliche, even disingenuous, but it's true. A lot of times my first reaction to seeing a baby/pregnancy post is an audible sign because I'm still grieving the fact that that's not me/us. I get a little heartache, but I really am happy for my friends & family that have babies. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't celebrate that part of their lives because I'm not a mom yet. Don't apologize or feel guilty around me, because I know everyone's life comes with its own set of struggles. 

Just like Christopher & I aren't defined by our infertility, I hope that whoever is reading this knows that the same is true for them. Your circumstances don't define you & you are so much more than whatever challenge or struggle you may be facing right now. I hope you all strive to find balance in your lives, whatever that looks like for you.

1 in 8

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I'm writing this post to do just that: raise awareness. Since moving, we've had so many people ask us when we're going to start having kids, and (with the encouragement of my therapist😉) I've started to tell them I have PCOS & haven't been able to have kids yet. It's been interesting, and sometimes hard & awkward, to see the various reactions we get. One thing I hope this post can accomplish is to help others know what to say (and what not to say) to their infertile friends & family members. As always, this is lengthy, so I hope you can make it until the end :) 

1 in 8 couples experiences infertility. 

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A few weeks ago, Christopher & I spoke in church (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are asked by local congregation leaders to give talks in our sacrament meetings). I was asked to speak on the address given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope". The first thing that came to my mind was our journey with infertility, so in my talk, I shared our story.

After our talks, I noticed that there have been 3 types of reactions by the rest of our ward (congregation). First, we've had women tell us their own journey with infertility. I could tell by the tears and the look in their eyes when they approached me that they knew what I was going through. I feel so loved by and connected to these women. They felt my pain & remembered their own. They understood the heartache I've felt, the tears I've shed. We've had other people in our lives that fall in this category, and I don't know what I would've done without you. We know we're not alone in this journey because of you. (Mommia, Kristine & Trisha, you get a special shout out 💗 Thank you for having a sixth sense for knowing when I needed some love.)

Another reaction we got was people telling us stories they've heard about infertility. A brother in our ward called this group the WMBI's (pronounced wemby's) - "well-meaning but ignorant". Honestly, I didn't want to hear about anyone's brother's neighbor's cousin who couldn't get pregnant for 9 years and then adopted, their old coworker that did IVF twice, etc. But I get why people say things like that. I really do. Before my experience with infertility, I probably would've done something similar. Infertility can be an awkward topic. People don't know what to say, but they feel bad for us and want to say something to encourage us. Like I said, well-meaning but ignorant. For me, it's not even that people say the words, it's that they're trying to relate to us when they really can't. Sharing a stranger's story doesn't mean you can relate to mine.

(I hope that if anyone is questioning whether or not they fit in the WMBI category because of things they've said, know that I'm over it by now. I'm writing this to help in future situations, not to bring up old ones or to make people feel second guess things they may have said. Also DISCLAIMER... Family- I hope you know that even though you might be able to learn something from this post, we don't include you in this category. Even if you can't relate to our experience, Christopher & I always feel your love & support. You know US & not just our story.) 

I hope that y'all can learn something from this last group.... One lady came up to me after church, gave me a huge hug, and then just stuttered a little bit, trying to form words. Then she said, "I don't even know what to say." The more I've thought about it, the more I've love her reaction. I would much rather people admit that they don't know what to say to me, instead of saying something that ends up being hurtful, albeit unintentional. Another couple came up to me, thanked me for being vulnerable & said that they felt the importance of having hope with their hard things like I was trying to do with mine. Another great response. They acknowledged that they didn't "get it", but at the same time gave me love & support.  Another lady texted me & said that she felt my pain & my hope, and was sending love my way. I felt that love from her! This group was empathetic & supportive, even while acknowledging the awkwardness and the fact that they really couldn't relate to my experience.

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"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. 

The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.

We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

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Points from the article "How Can I Support a Friend with Infertility?", which was one of my favorites:

1. Learn more about infertility- this can educate you on what your friends/family are going through, what some misconceptions are, etc.

2. Ask them what they need- Hopefully self-explanatory

3. Know what to say- "I wish I knew what to say", "Do you want to talk about it?"

4. Know what not to say- Don't say phrases that starts with "You can always", such as "You can always adopt". And for couples that have a child but had a miscarriage or having infertility issues, don't use "At least" phrases, like "at least you already have a kid" or "at least you know you can get pregnant". Those phrases are invalidating! Don't tell us to "just relax & it'll happen" (you have know idea how hard it is to wait), that we're "lucky" to not have kids, etc.

5. Get involved in advocacy

(https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-can-i-support-a-friend-with-infertility-1960033).

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I hope y'all have learned something from this. Be empathetic to everyone you meet. Don't pretend to understand. Validate & love. Christopher & I are so thankful for all the love & support we have felt from our family & friends. We know Jesus Christ is our Savior. We have felt Him through the peace, hope & strength we have had during the last year & a half. We love Him, we love each other, we love our future kids & we love all of you. 

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Here are some other great reads & resources for those interested:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/national-infertility-awareness-week-niaw-1959978

• Infertility can be misunderstood, oversimplified, misrepresented, etc. and National Infertility Awareness Week helps change that!

https://www.bundledblessingsfertility.com/

• This foundation gives grants to help pay for infertility costs. 
• DONATE $5 TO THEM VIA VENMO & YOU WON'T REGRET IT
• Most insurances don't cover infertility treatments. Last year, we spent thousands of dollars on our treatments- we did an IUI, had dozens of doctors appts, I took various medications for 10 months, had to pay for "trigger shots" to help me ovulate, and much more! That's not counting what we've done this year, or what we will have to do in the future- more IUI's, meds, IVF, maybe adoption. We don't know, but we know it will be pricey! But worth every penny 💓

https://www.verywellfamily.com/supporting-an-infertile-friend-what-not-to-do-1960011

• This one offers suggests of what not to do when supporting an infertile friend, such as:
• Stop assuming they don't want to hear anything about your new pregnancy or your kids 
• Stop endlessly talking about your pregnancy
• Stop telling them they can "always adopt"
• Stop speaking on the Universe's behalf (ie "if it's meant to be, it will be")
• I definitely recommend reading it for more details on those suggestions, as well as others I didn't list.

https://resolve.org/

• Great resource offering support to those with infertility

My Mission

Today when I saw the announcement from the First Presidency that the rules for communication between missionaries and their families had changed, I cried. I've been thinking a lot about my mission the past week or so, and seeing this change helped give me the words I needed to express all that I had been thinking and feeling.

As I read about the changes, I couldn't help thinking that if they had been in place when I had been on my mission, I could look back on my mission now and not feel so much shame & guilt. It wasn't until just a few days ago that I even realized and admitted that I felt that way. This isn't me trying to make a confession for something I did wrong. This is me finally coming to terms with the fact that I did the best I could under the circumstances.

Both the beginning and middle of my mission are times that I absolutely love looking back on. I learned so much about myself, the culture I was in, the gospel, etc. and I met so many wonderful people. I still love them all so much. However, I dread thinking about the end of my mission. There were definitely some amazing memories and people during that time too, but it's harder for me to remember. My brain automatically associates the end of my mission with all of the bad, instead of the good. For the last part of my mission, I was really depressed. I think part of me knew that, but I had no idea what to do or how to ask for help. I felt like I was "losing it", but I was so close to going home, so I trudged along until the end. People would ask me how I felt about going home, expecting me to say I was sad or something along those lines, and I always felt guilty when I lied. I was honestly relieved to go home. I was able to make it until the end of my mission because I clung to the idea that everything would be different (easier) when I went home. 

Looking back and knowing what I do now, I can think of a lot of things that contributed to my depression. I received quite a bit of criticism from someone, and that crushed my self-confidence in my abilities as a missionary. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and to do things well, and I saw myself as "failing" because I wasn't enjoying my work as much as before. That then led me to put even more pressure on myself, which then made me feel even more like a failure, etc. and I was stuck in that cycle. I also was a "sister training leader" during that time, and I think I felt a lot of responsibility with that. (I will say that some of the best times from the end of my mission are the exchanges I went on with some of those hermanas. I think because I was struggling, it was easier for me to connect with and notice when there were other missionaries who might have been experiencing something similar or just needed a friend!)

As a missionary, I was constantly told to "be the best missionary you can be",  to "give it all you got" and to "not go home with any regrets". It wasn't until I few days ago, as I thought about my mission, that I was able to admit that I have a lot of shame associated with my mission. Because I wasn't as "successful" and didn't feel as happy at the end as I was at the beginning, I felt like I was a failure and didn't "give it all I had". Even now while writing this, I'm cringing, thinking of all of the things I could've done differently. BUT. Then I remembered, I was depressed! I felt like I was drowning and it was all I could do to just tread water, because I didn't seem to have the strength to swim. All things considered, I really did do the best I could. Almost four years after the fact, it's such a relief to be at a point that I can validate myself for that. (or at least try to do so :)

Maybe now, you'll understand why I cried hearing the communication changes. I definitely would have been a missionary who "benefited from increased personal contact with family at home." I'm not angry or upset that these changes are coming now and not then. I'm overjoyed for those missionaries who could be in similar situations as I was. I think if I had had the chance to talk to my parents on the phone during that time, I would've been able to find the words to express what I was feeling. There are some things you just can't put in a letter or email. I feel so blessed to be able to see this change, even if it doesn't directly effect me at the moment, and  I'm happy for all of the missionaries serving/who are about to serve that can benefit from it. This is just more evidence to me the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are led by a loving God and that they also put a lot of effort into leading and guiding us. God loves us and watches over us!

If you're like me, you might have a hard time not beating yourself up over mistakes you make. I'm slowly learning how important it is to just forgive myself and move on/let go. I grew up hearing that, and being taught that I need to learn from my mistakes, but I tend to make the application of that concept more complicated than it needs to be. The moral of the story is this: Be kind to yourself. You are strong. You are brave. You are doing the best you can. If you're at a point where you feel like you're trudging along or trying not to drown, keep going! One day you will look back and understand more than you do now. 

I loved my mission! I loved being able to serve my Savior and serve the people in California. I will be forever grateful I went. And for your entertainment, here's some of my favorite mission pictures and memories :)

It might look like we were part of a funeral, but this was actually a choir :)

I had amazing companions! (and I chopped my hair a few times during that 18 months)

Santa Paula Gang <3

I convinced a lot of missionaries that Chick-fil-a is the greatest & I went any chance I had

I met the best people!

I grew things. And took lots of weird pics with my hermanas.

I taught little kids how to pray.

I had the BEST districts.... & kicked a lot of Elders' butts in Knock Out

I got crazy excited when I found coins on the ground

There are so many people that I love!!!! 

It was the best feeling getting off the plane & seeing my

 goofy family/hugging them after 18 months!

"Be Not Troubled"

A few of weeks ago in church, our Relief Society lesson was titled "Be Not Troubled". The teacher asked us to make a list of our biggest fears, and then, as we read and discussed various scriptures, she asked us to write down things that helped us overcome those fears.
When she first told us to make a list of our fears, I honestly laughed a little bit. I've been seeing a therapist for about two months now, and a few days prior to the lesson, my assignment was to make a similar list. As we went through the lesson, reading different scriptures with phrases like "Be not troubled", "do not fear", etc, I kept thinking "That is way easier said than done for me!"I finally raised my hand (making comments in class is something that makes me super anxious, so go me!) and basically just said that because I have an anxiety disorder, I couldn't just tell myself "be not troubled!" and I'd feel better. Part of me felt like the scriptures were saying that we shouldn't have fear, but fear is part of being human. It's about not letting those fears control us. It's also recognizing that we have divine help from Heavenly Father and our Savior to help us and strengthen us so we can keep going, even with those fears.
However, Heavenly Father isn't going to wave a magic wand and take our fears (or our anxiety, depression, etc.) away. We need to trust in Him, have hope & faith, etc. but part of that is also doing things to help ourselves. For me, going to therapy is part of what I'm doing to "be not troubled". I think Heavenly Father wants people to take advantage of things like medication and therapy, just like He would expect someone with a serious physical illness to go to the doctor. I'm not sharing this to make anyone uncomfortable, but honestly, if you are uncomfortable with me talking about things like going to therapy and medication, it's probably because of the stigma around mental health. Educate yourself and get past the discomfort :)
A couple of weeks before that lesson, I told my husband that if someone asked me if I went to therapy, I wouldn't deny it, but I wouldn't necessarily bring it up either. He just stared at me and said, "Break the stigma, Marlee!" Ok, isn't he just the best?! So this is me trying to break that stigma. I go to therapy because I need some extra help in my life! I've always had anxiety (which my therapist helped me realize, because I thought it just came up 5-6 years ago at the end of my mission... I was wrong) and some occasional depression, but my infertility has not only made my anxiety worse, but my depression as well. Going to therapy hasn't given me any sort of miraculous change or taken either of those things away from me, but it's definitely helped me not be overcome with fear or hopelessness. It's also helped me treat myself more kindly and to not feel so guilty about little mistakes I make; it's nice to be reminded that I'm not actually scum, which is how I tend to treat myself, unfortunately. I've also learned more about how my thoughts impact my behaviors, as well as skills to help change those thoughts.
Speaking of hope....A few months ago, I got a priesthood blessing from Christopher, telling me to turn to the scriptures and words of the living prophets when I needed comfort. This past month or so, I've tried to make that more of a priority. I recently read in 1 Nephi 19:24, "liken them [the scriptures] unto yourselves that ye may have hope". I felt like that was meant for me! I thought about the hope I've received lately from applying things in the scriptures to my own life. I've not only received hope, but strength, comfort, etc. which are, of course, related to hope.
When I initially started writing this post (which was about 3 weeks ago now; I've gone back to change a few things so it makes sense time wise), we had just found out that our IUI didn't work. That night when Christopher and I prayed together, I asked Heavenly Father to help us maintain our hope. When I ended the prayer, Christopher said he had been thinking that same phrase right as I said it. That little experience alone helped me maintain my hope :)

Moral of the story is, therapy is helping me. Therapy is not for "crazy" people, which is the stigma I've seen surrounding it and other things related to mental illnesses. If someone tells you they go to therapy, take meds, have anxiety, etc., don't look down on them. Be proud of them. If you aren't comfortable with or don't know a lot about things related to mental health, educate yourself. This isn't something that's going away, and I guarantee you'll have people in your life that have anxiety, depression, etc. (I don't even like saying you'll know someone that "struggles" with anxiety or depression. To me, using the word "struggle" is demeaning and has a negative connotation, like if that person were just stronger they would get over it and just be ok. Not how mental illnesses work, folks!) The more you understand, the easier it will be to help those you care about. Other moral of the story: I know that there is hope! I know that Heavenly Father can give us the hope and strength we need to do hard things. Keep going, friends! I've got this and you've got this :)

(Quick fertility update for those interested: We were able to meet with our doctor and he gave us some more treatment options. We can do the IUI a couple more times, with only about a 20% chance of success, or we can wait for a IVF study to have an opening that will help us pay for it, which would be about a 70% chance of success. For the next couple months, we ultimately decided to take a break from treatment. It was just way too hard on me (both of us) emotionally and I felt like I needed a couple months where I wouldn't hear bad news. Obviously it'll still be hard hearing we might not be pregnant just doing it on our own, but it's been so much harder to hear it after trying and paying for extra treatments and still getting negative results.)

HOPE

Well, another month with no luck. I took a blood test on Monday to see if I was pregnant, and the results were negative. It still kills me to type that; I've avoided saying it, so it doesn't hurt as bad or seem as real. Plus, I got the news over the phone (honestly, I'd hate having that job of telling people their test results!), so that was pretty crappy and impersonal. I hung up and started sobbing. Already starting the next round of treatment tomorrow though! Fingers crossed...again.

When my husband and I were talking, in between all our tears, I admitted that I had faith, but I didn't feel like I had hope. And not just that I didn't have hope, but that I couldn't have it. I have faith that God loves me and has a plan for my life, and for some reason, this crappy, painful situation is part of that plan. However, hope hurts. I wouldn't say that I've gotten used to hearing the news that I'm not pregnant, but it's always hurts the most on the months when my hopes have been the highest. Like this past month- our first month of going to the fertility clinic. Part of me was so sure we'd get some good news, simply because we were going to a specialist, someone who understood our situation more, had more experience with PCOS, etc. And yet the other part of me felt like I should just expect bad news. Not because I want bad news, but because it's so hard to endure the pain if you're not expecting it. If I prepare myself for the possibility, it doesn't seem as bad.

And that's why I said I have no hope. I didn't want to have hope, because I didn't want to deal with the pain that goes along with it. 

The next day, I was reading in Moroni chapter 10, in the Book of Mormon. In verse 20, it says, "Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope". I started crying when I read that (shocker, I know), because I felt like it was Heavenly Father's reminder to me that if I had faith, I had to also have hope. They go hand in hand. 

Pretty clear message, right? But Heavenly Father knows I'm stubborn and slow to learn, so He sent me another reminder. I ended a social media fast that same day, and one of the first posts I saw when I got on Facebook again was a post from my mom's cousin. A post specifically about hope. She shared this quote: "Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will inherit eternal life in the celestial kingdom." (In case you were wondering, yes, I was crying again.)

I realized then that my perception and definition of hope, in relation to my situation, wasn't entirely complete. I was only thinking that hope was "believing and expecting that something will occur", and I was completely missing all the rest. Maybe that part of hope will always be hard for me as far as our journey with infertility goes, but I can work on the other parts. I can trust that the Lord will fulfill the promises He has made to me that I'll be a mother. I can do my best to be confident, optimistic, and enthusiastic, and to patiently persevere. I can work through my trials with the confidence and assurance that this whole long process will work together for my good. I can conquer discouragement, and I can have help to do so. And, best of all, I can have eternal life in the celestial kingdom with my family, including the kids I don't yet have, because of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know I will have to work at it, but I want to develop more hope, to go along with my faith. 

General Conference weekend (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10?lang=eng) came at a perfect time, because I felt like I had a lot of guidance and inspiration fresh in my mind when I felt so sad, confused and hopeless the past few days. One quote that really resonated with me was: "Such glimpses of eternity can help us travel the next 100 yards". (M. Joseph Braugh, "Lift Up Your Head and Rejoice", quoting Neal A. Maxwell) These past 11 or so months of trying to have a baby (I still can't believe it hasn't quite been a year- it feels so much longer than that), I've had so many "glimpses of eternity" that have helped me make it the next 100 yards.  I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who gives me enough faith, enough strength, enough hope, to make it the next 100 yards when it seems impossible. I know He is the one that gives me these glimpses of eternity so I can carry on. 

Like I said, I'm still going to have to work on gaining the hope that I want. I feel like since I've been so resistant to having hope in the past, I still can't quite wrap my brain around the idea. But I'm going to try! What do I hope for? I hope that our treatments work soon so we can have a baby. I hope that I can see Christopher smile (and cry) when he holds that baby. I hope I can finally know what it feels like to hold my own baby in my arms. I've hoped for all of that and more for awhile now.... I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.

Wish me luck on my next 100 yards- and good luck on yours too :) 

Relying on God's Muscles

Don't worry, I haven't given up on my blog! I've realized that I often write a post when I'm feeling really low and emotional, because it is very therapeutic and helps me process through things. Until the past few days, I haven't been at a point where I felt that urge to write like I have in the past. 

So, update on our crazy journey with trying to have a baby: I've been told by quite a few people that people with PCOS experience positive changes by adjusting certain aspects of their diet. Going gluten and dairy free was the most recommended thing. A couple months ago, I just kept thinking about going dairy free, and here I am going on 2 months without milk or cheese. (Yes, ROUGH life! And I say without milk and cheese, and not dairy free, because I've cheated and had ice cream a couple times...) I haven't felt the need to go gluten free yet, but maybe some day in the future. Even though I haven't gotten pregnant on this new diet, my body has felt SO much better. I used to have a constant stomach ache and get little red bumps randomly on my arms, and I haven't had either of those since going off milk and cheese! My sister is lactose intolerant, so I wouldn't be surprised if I have a bit of that as well.

My last period was 10 days late (yep, SO amazing!) and when I told my OBGYN, they told me it was time to go see a specialist, and recommended a nearby fertility clinic. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but going to the doctor gives me SO MUCH ANXIETY! I'm sure most of the doctors I've had think that I'm weird and/or incompetent because when they ask me questions, I'm so anxious I can barely respond. That being said, I made sure that Christopher could come with me to this new place. Thank goodness he was able to come, because he asked so many questions and helped me feel more comfortable. (Not that I still wasn't anxious, I legit started crying in our consultation, and then again when the nurse showed us a calendar breaking down our treatment plan and how much it would cost. Little too much for my fragile emotions to handle haha.) 

As part of our treatment plan, I'll be going in every week and a half or so to get an ultrasound of my ovaries. With PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome), I really do have cysts ALL over my ovaries- I saw it in an ultrasound. Not normal and honestly kind creepy. Anyways, these ultrasounds allow the doctor to check on how my medicine is working, because it's supposed to help the cysts mature and form eggs. Keeping in mind my anxiety with doctors, I'm not necessarily a fan of the frequency of these appointments! I went in a few days ago to get a HSG, which is a test they do to make sure my tubes are clear enough for my eggs to travel through them. HOLY COW, if you don't ever need to get an HSG, don't - it sucked. The nurse practitioner, when she saw how anxious I was, was like, "Oh don't worry, it's not as bad as everyone says." Yeah right! Five minutes before that, the nurse walking me to the room asked if I had ever had an HSG before. When I said no, she said, "It's probably better that way...." in this super ominous tone! Yeah, that definitely helped my anxiety... I guess the pain and the spotting was worth it, knowing that my tubes are clear! One less thing we have to worry about. 

We do have to choose between two different treatment plans though, which is very stressful! Still working on deciding which option to choose. Neither option is cheap, and it's hard to know which option will be more "worth it" in the long run, because I'd rather avoid throwing hundreds of dollars down the drain! But it's obviously pretty impossible to know if one will work on the first try. The doctor told us we could try Option A for 2-3 months, then try Option B for 2-3 months if that doesn't work. Option A is similar to what we were doing at the OBGYN, so our new doctor said he'd understand if we just want to go with Option B. If Option B doesn't work, we'll do IVF. Prayers are appreciated as Christopher and I make this decision :) 

Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep; I just kept thinking about which option we should do, what I could do to budget our money better, etc. Once I realized it was a lost cause to go back to sleep, I listened to a talk by President Monson called, "I Will Not Fail Thee, Nor Forsake Thee." One of my favorite parts was when he said, "We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different than what we were- better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.... Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."

Initially, I'll admit that I wasn't a fan of hearing that. My first thought was, "Yes, I'm being tested to my limits, my heart is breaking, I'm grieving! And right now I don't necessarily want to be better than I am, more understanding, etc., if this is the price!" After I was able to stop crying and actually absorb the message, I realized how true this is. Sometimes, growing just HURTS, but I have to believe that, because Heavenly Father loves me, He wouldn't make me (us) go through all this for nothing. 

Something else that was on my mind was a quote that I've had to read over and over the past few months: "One day at a time turns into weeks and months. If we thought we would have to do something for the rest of our lives, we might give up. But in God's mercy, we are given enough strength and insight to do all we need the very next day. Sometimes we wish Heavenly Father would lay out the whole plan, show us where the turn is weeks before we have to make it. Maybe then we would start to rely on our own strength and not on the Lord's. But I'd like to suggest that such is not the best way. One thing I have learned in watching... strong women is that doing something hard for an extended period of time requires us to rely on God's muscles, not our own." (Everyone should read, "You are More Than Enough, You are Magnificent" by Ganel-Lyn Condie! So many inspirational quotes like this.) 

Like I said, I've had to remind myself so many times lately to rely on Heavenly Father. I often wonder how much longer it will be before Christopher and I will become parents. I know so many couples that had to wait for years, and I just think, "I don't know if I could make it that long! I can't do this!" Luckily, Heavenly Father is loving and understanding and He will send me gentle (sometimes not as gentle :) reminders that He is there and knows what He is doing. His muscles are WAY stronger than mine (I mean, have you seen my weak arms?) and He is there to strengthen me. Sometimes it does feel impossible thinking about being strong enough for weeks, months, years, etc. But I know that turning to Him daily for strength will get me through this. To anyone else wondering how much longer they will be asked to wait, to hurt, etc.... I don't know the exact answer, but I do know that He knows best. I forget that sometimes, but it's true. Keep going and keep trusting. It definitely isn't easy, but Heavenly Father IS there for you, for me, and for each of us, no matter what is going on in our lives.