God Sees Us Trying

Tomorrow I’ll be 19 weeks pregnant. I started getting sick during the end of week 5 when I was in GA visiting my family, and ever since then my level of functioning has just been totally different from what I was accustomed to. I haven’t been able to go to church or to the temple like I used to, and both of those are really important to me & my relationship with God.
For the first time in months, I finally felt physically well enough to go to the temple a few days ago. Almost as soon as I walked inside I was overcome with how much I had missed being there. I felt so safe & I knew I was where I was supposed to be. Maybe it was inappropriate of me to make this “deal” but I told Heavenly Father while I was there that every day I felt good, I would go to the temple. Our temple closes in just a couple weeks & I want to take advantage of that as much as my health will allow.

Today, I got an IV & was feeling ok, but not great, and we decided to go sit on the temple grounds instead. After sitting on a bench for a few minutes, we decided to walk around. Literally seconds into our walk, I see a family from GA that I haven’t seen in close to 10 years. The dad was my basketball coach when I was in elementary school, and it was fun to catch up with them.
Seeing them was not some sort of earth shattering experience. But as I reflected on it, I realized that it was a tender mercy from Heavenly Father- Him acknowledging that He saw me trying. Maybe I wasn’t quite able to make it inside the temple, but I tried to be close to it. I saw it as the next best thing- the closest I could get to my goal at the time. I believe that Heavenly Father sees our efforts & recognizes when we try. He wants us to keep going & to keep trying, and that’s when He sends us those tender mercies. Little reminders that He is there cheering us on. Look for a tender mercy from the past few days- you’ll find one. Keep trying & know that Heavenly Father sees you :)

Pregnancy Thoughts

Here are some current pregnancy thoughts for ya...  

-We found out that we're having a BOY! As the oldest of 4 girls (and a mom who's the oldest of 4 girls, and a grandma who's the oldest of 4 girls) it's a bit of a foreign concept to imagine a little boy! Even though I tried to hold out a little bit of hope it could be a girl, I've had a feeling the whole pregnancy that it's a boy. Part of that was for my dad's sake so he could experience a little boy :) but mostly it was because of some really special experiences I had while going through our infertility, which I probably won't ever share publicly. Not trying to be secretive or hold out on anyone, but just a really special thing that I want to keep close.

-Sometimes it's hard for me to not feel guilty that I only experienced about 2 years of infertility when others experience so much more. Not that I'm not so extremely grateful to be pregnant right now, because obviously I am. My heart just aches for those women and couples that are currently still battling infertility and all that comes with it. 

-Everyone keeps telling me it gets better in the 2nd trimester. Obviously I wish that was the case for me, but it doesn't look like it will be. I have made some small improvements, which I'm very grateful for! But I was told I have "hyperemesis gravidarum", which is basically extreme morning sickness. Trust me, it's a real thing, even though it almost sounds fake or exaggerated! My doctors said it's most common between weeks 5-16, but in some women can last much longer and potentially not ever go away during the pregnancy. Such a comforting thing to hear after I'd been throwing up constantly :) Zofran hasn't done much for me at all, but the last couple days I've been taking a new medicine (no idea how to spell the name) and it seems to work much better.

-The other night, when I was feeling super nauseous & afraid I'd throw up, I had this big epiphany. If I hadn't gone through what I did to get to this point (aka infertility before this pregnancy), I would be so ungrateful right now. I've had so many days where I just cry because this pregnancy has been so hard... and I'm sick of throwing up! 5 times now, I've thrown up so much & so often that I have to go to the hospital for an IV to get hydrated again (which I didn't even know was a thing before my pregnancy). My record is throwing up every 30 minutes, and that's one record I'm hoping not to break. Those have been my worst days, but most days I'm stuck on the couch because I'm so nauseous and can't afford to do much other than lay there. But if we hadn't gone through our infertility, I would've had a much worse attitude about this pregnancy and not been as grateful for it.

-I have a love/hate relationship with food and with naps. On my good/ok days, I seem to need to eat a small meal every hour and a half or two hours. BUT I've thrown up almost everything so it's pretty rare that something actually sounds appetizing. My poor hubby-- he'll try to throw out suggestions and I'm just like "no, no, no, that sounds gross too....". He's the best for being so patient with me.  And for feeding me all the time. (Like seriously, he'll come home from his lunch breaks and first thing he does is make me food. He's also gotten used to all the crumbs in our bed, because some days all I can do is snack. AND he's taken over the majority of the chores + grocery store runs.)Also, sometimes I desperately need a nap, but for the past month or so, every time I take a nap, I wake up feeling more sick than before. Like my body gets mad that I went that long without eating or drinking anything. 

-I am CRAZZZYY sensitive to smells. The past two days I have barely left our bedroom because something in our house (in our kitchen/living room) smells so bad. I haven't been able to figure out what it is and Christopher doesn't even really smell anything. Yesterday it made me throw up, and today I was gagging super bad but made it back into our room before I actually threw up. For a couple months now, the smell of our gas stove/oven has made me sick too. I have to go back into our bedroom anytime Christopher makes food on the stove because I can't stand the smell. The last time we used our oven, I sat outside in the garage for almost an hour because not only was the smell bad while our lasagna was cooking, but it took forever to go away after the fact! Luckily my grandparents are saving me/us again and they've let me use their oven a couple times now to cook things. So yes, I'm pretty much dependent on Christopher either making me food or bringing it home, or on pre-made meals I can microwave when he's not here. (Oh yeah, cuz driving makes me sick too!)

-I honestly think anyone that goes through pregnancy is super woman, regardless of how "difficult" it is. Every woman's body is different and every pregnancy will be different, but we're all growing a little human inside of us! So incredible!!! 

-I'm so thankful for General Conference this past weekend. Beforehand, I hoped to hear something that would help sustain me through the physical and emotional difficulties of this pregnancy. I was so emotional during Elder D. Todd Christofferson's talk on JOY. He quoted President Nelson & reminded us "The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything to do with the focus of our lives." My circumstances most likely aren't going to change anytime soon- I won't magically not feel nauseous & not throw up- but it was a great reminder for me to refocus on how grateful I am to be carrying this child. Our prayers have been answered and I know that Heavenly Father continues to listen to my prayers and give me the strength I need. (Also, I wanted to start applauding during Reyna Aburto's talk on mental illness! I'm sure if you've read any of my posts before, you won't be surprised by that. I was so happy that she was so straightforward. She deserves some sort of award, that's for sure! :)

-Just like my other blog posts, this is not meant to generate sympathy or pity. I'm doing this for me- partly just to express my thoughts & feelings, and another part is that I don't want to forget things & want to write it down. If anyone can relate to or be helped by anything I write, then that's just an added bonus :)

"Who are you wearing?"

In a church meeting this morning, the man addressing us pointed out that at big events, celebrities are frequently asked "Who are you wearing?", in reference to their expensive, flashy outfits. He then asked us the same question, "Who are you wearing?", and it's been something that stuck with me all day. Who am I wearing? 

I want to be able to say that I am "wearing" my Savior, Jesus Christ- that people are able to tell that I'm trying to follow Him & represent Him, based on the kind of person I am. At church on Sunday, my brother in law spoke to the congregation & reminded us that the Savior gave "Be Attitudes", not "Do" attitudes. Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are often known for things we are taught to do or not do- to dress modestly, to not drink alcohol or watch rated R movies, etc. However, as a member of Christ's church, are we also known for being like Him? While I believe that list of do's & don't's is important, because obedience is a key principle to building faith, what do they matter if we aren't actually being like Christ as we do them & as we go about our daily lives? I think if we are trying to follow the commandments but frequently judge the efforts of those around us during our attempts, we're missing the real big commandments of loving God & loving our neighbors.

The bishop, or leader of the congregation, also spoke & said that "Jesus Christ's way is the best way". I truly believe that & I've seen it in my life. I'm happiest when I'm making a conscious, consistent effort to follow Christ & be like Him. I'm going to keep asking myself, "Who am I wearing?", and adjust my thoughts & actions if I can't honestly give the answer of Jesus Christ.

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I wrote the above post over a week ago, but forgot to go back & post it. Just wanted to add something that I read on M. Russell Ballard's Instagram post this morning. I loved it & I feel like it's related to not judging others....

"Women have remarkable influence. You sisters have been divinely endowed with a unique kind of discernment and strength... Each of you must come to know what the Lord wants for you individually, given the choices before you. Once you know the Lord's will, you can then move forward in faith to fulfill your individual purpose.... Is it possible for two similarly faithful women to receive such different responses to the same basic questions? Absolutely! What's right for one woman may not be right for another. That's why it is so important that we should not question each other's choices or the inspiration behind them. And we should refrain from asking hurtful and unsupportive questions. We can all be kinder and more thoughtful of the situations in which our sisters throughout the world find themselves as they seek to follow the will of our Heavenly Father in their individual lives." 💙💙💙

Imagining the Future

"It's day 33," I thought to myself. "If I haven't started my period by tomorrow, I'll take a pregnancy test."

As the day went on, the more excited I got. I let myself imagine telling Christopher that he was going to be a dad- and what perfect timing with Father's Day right around the corner! My dad is visiting us soon & I imagined us giving him something that said Grandpa on it. On one hand, I felt like I had alarms going off in my head, warning me that there was pain ahead. It was a bad idea to be imagining these things. I've done it before & I was familiar with the hurt I felt when it didn't happen. I couldn't help myself though- I was imagining the future I wanted. I was so excited. It was finally going to happen, I could feel it. It was almost tangible!

The time came for me to take a pregnancy test, and once again, I was shattered when it was negative. I saw the one line & tried willing a second line to appear, but obviously that didn't work. For the next few hours, I threw myself into doing anything but thinking about the test. I had left it sitting on the bathroom counter, and I avoided going into the bathroom. I didn't want another reminder. 

When you're on fertility medication, your cycles are supposed to be "more regular". That being said, when I'm late & taking medication, my hopes get even higher that I'm pregnant. It's hard for me NOT to imagine things like how it will feel finally seeing 2 lines instead of 1, how I'm going to tell Christopher, how we'll cry happy tears for once, how we'll tell all of our family, etc. But imagining those things and then having a negative test is so heartbreaking. Then I grieve all of those things I had imagined and hoped for. It took me another few hours after Christopher got home from work to break the news to him. He just held me and let me cry, and I'm so grateful for the love and strength he gives me, even as he is hurting and grieving too.

I listened to a podcast this morning that reminded me that infertility is "reproductive trauma", which is the validation I needed. Infertility is hard & it sucks. We all have various things that are hard at different times in our lives. It's ok to struggle, to need help, to stay home from a social function that will be too hard. It's ok that I"m probably going to stay in my pajamas for the next few hours & watch a movie that will make me cry :) 

Balance

Sometimes after posting, I worry that I leave this impression that I sit around all day & wallow. Yes, infertility sucks, and yes I have some super hard moments or days. But Christopher & I try to not to let infertility define our lives & our marriage. There is so much more to us as individuals and as a couple than our infertility. I'm glad we shared our struggles with our ward, but now I feel like we're known as the couple that can't have kids. We're still trying to find the balance in our lives when it comes to our infertility--

I don't want to seem like I only talk about my infertility, but I also don't want to be silent about it.

I want people to know we have infertility, but I also don't want that to be defined by that. 

Infertility makes me cry a lot, but I want people to know I still consider myself to be happy & extremely blessed. 

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Here's a peek into what infertility is for me:

Infertility is loving & wanting to celebrate all the women in my life, but dreading the pain Mother's Day brings me. (I wrote this post 4-5 days before Mother's Day but then didn't end up sharing it-- this Mother's Day was definitely not as hard as last year. I had a lot of friends & family reach out to me, saying they were thinking of me, which I appreciated SO SO much! Love y'all. At church, one of the speakers said she had 3 daughters with infertility & knew Mother's Day could be so tough, and spoke on what it meant "to mother", rather than what it meant to be a mother. Another lady mentioned women waiting to have children in her prayer. I think it just helped me to feel acknowledged. I know infertility isn't the only reason Mother's Day can be tough!) 

Infertility is full of grief. I grieve for the future I thought would be mine by now, because in my mind I "should be a mom" at this point in my life. I always thought I would by now. That grief can just randomly hit me- when I hear a little toddler say "Mommy" in the grocery store, at baby blessings, when I walk by baby clothes in Target. Most of the time I'm fine, but when stuff like that randomly hits me, it hits me hard! 

Infertility is sometimes avoiding social media so I don't see more baby or pregnancy posts.

Infertility is awkward. I want to be a voice for infertility but sometimes it makes people feel really uncomfortable & then I feel guilty for saying things... trying to find the balance in that still. 

Infertility is trying a bunch of vitamins, medications, diets, etc. I've taken Clomid & Letrozole in so many varying doses & combinations that I've lost track of how many times I've taken it. I'm on a new medication (Metformin) & luckily I haven't had too bad of side effects like some people do, but I'm supposed to go up another 500mg & am a little nervous that the increase will bring more side effects.....

Infertility is trying to not hate my body for not doing the one thing I've always been taught & believed it should.

Infertility is lonely. Sometimes I feel like an outsider. Even though I'm 1 in 8, infertility isn't something that's openly talked about, so sometimes it feels like I'm the only one dealing with this. 

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And now here's an update on all things non-infertility related:

We bought a house & being home owners keeps us way way busy! The people that lived in the house before us didn't ever do yard work, so a couple times a week we're out pulling weeds, trimming trees, etc. We planted a garden, and had the nice surprise of discovering we have two plum trees on our property.We also are slowly getting the inside decorated, and I love making this home ours.

We just started watching Lost on Hulu since all of "our shows" have ended for the season.

We love going to watch my cousins play sports.

We bought a state park pass so we can hike every chance we get.

We went boating a few days ago & Christopher was so excited to find someone that will cliff jump with him. (Not me, in case you wondered)

We both have been going to yoga & we're proud of how far we've come. Our yoga teacher is going to Korea for 2 months, so we're sad about that but determined to keep practicing so we stay strong & don't lose all that we've gained.

We're trying to be better about meal planning & eating healthy. (Oops... I guess this one is sort of related to infertility because the doctor I saw who specializes in PCOS recommended a new diet that I'm trying to follow). My mindset on healthy eating is changing- instead of thinking that I'm punishing my body by eating certain foods/avoiding others, I'm trying to remind myself that by making healthier choices, I'm nourishing my body. It works most of the time, but I'm still pretty helpless when it comes to ice cream. Luckily (& sadly) there's no Krispy Kreme down here to tempt me.

I'm working at a preschool, and our preschool graduation is next week  (now it's actually today!). I only worked with these kids for a couple months but I love them to death & am so proud of how far they've come. I'm already looking forward to next year.

I applied to an online MSW program & am hoping to get an acceptance letter from them in June!

I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing over the summer, but I'm already looking forward to any chance we get to see family. Christopher & I love our family so much, and we take our role as aunt & uncle very seriously ;) 

Christopher is loving his job & is getting more responsibilities. He's a smart & hard worker. We live just a few minutes away from his office, so most days he's able to come home for lunch & we can eat together. 

Christopher plays basketball once a week but really misses playing with his group of friends back in Orem. He's the youngest one in this group & doesn't get as much of a workout :) 

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Just a couple more things..... Infertility really sucks, is lonely & hard, etc. but having all these other things in my life helps it not consume me. Even though there are days full of tears, most days I just go about my life. About a year ago, our infertility was something that was consuming me & I had to take certain steps to take care of myself, like step down from my job & start going to therapy. Here's another plug for self-care-- please take care of yourself & do things you love :) It's ok if "your best" looks different right now than it did at other points in your life.

Saying "I'm happy for you but sad for me" sounds so cliche, even disingenuous, but it's true. A lot of times my first reaction to seeing a baby/pregnancy post is an audible sign because I'm still grieving the fact that that's not me/us. I get a little heartache, but I really am happy for my friends & family that have babies. I don't want anyone to feel like they can't celebrate that part of their lives because I'm not a mom yet. Don't apologize or feel guilty around me, because I know everyone's life comes with its own set of struggles. 

Just like Christopher & I aren't defined by our infertility, I hope that whoever is reading this knows that the same is true for them. Your circumstances don't define you & you are so much more than whatever challenge or struggle you may be facing right now. I hope you all strive to find balance in your lives, whatever that looks like for you.

1 in 8

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I'm writing this post to do just that: raise awareness. Since moving, we've had so many people ask us when we're going to start having kids, and (with the encouragement of my therapist😉) I've started to tell them I have PCOS & haven't been able to have kids yet. It's been interesting, and sometimes hard & awkward, to see the various reactions we get. One thing I hope this post can accomplish is to help others know what to say (and what not to say) to their infertile friends & family members. As always, this is lengthy, so I hope you can make it until the end :) 

1 in 8 couples experiences infertility. 

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A few weeks ago, Christopher & I spoke in church (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are asked by local congregation leaders to give talks in our sacrament meetings). I was asked to speak on the address given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf "The Infinite Power of Hope". The first thing that came to my mind was our journey with infertility, so in my talk, I shared our story.

After our talks, I noticed that there have been 3 types of reactions by the rest of our ward (congregation). First, we've had women tell us their own journey with infertility. I could tell by the tears and the look in their eyes when they approached me that they knew what I was going through. I feel so loved by and connected to these women. They felt my pain & remembered their own. They understood the heartache I've felt, the tears I've shed. We've had other people in our lives that fall in this category, and I don't know what I would've done without you. We know we're not alone in this journey because of you. (Mommia, Kristine & Trisha, you get a special shout out 💗 Thank you for having a sixth sense for knowing when I needed some love.)

Another reaction we got was people telling us stories they've heard about infertility. A brother in our ward called this group the WMBI's (pronounced wemby's) - "well-meaning but ignorant". Honestly, I didn't want to hear about anyone's brother's neighbor's cousin who couldn't get pregnant for 9 years and then adopted, their old coworker that did IVF twice, etc. But I get why people say things like that. I really do. Before my experience with infertility, I probably would've done something similar. Infertility can be an awkward topic. People don't know what to say, but they feel bad for us and want to say something to encourage us. Like I said, well-meaning but ignorant. For me, it's not even that people say the words, it's that they're trying to relate to us when they really can't. Sharing a stranger's story doesn't mean you can relate to mine.

(I hope that if anyone is questioning whether or not they fit in the WMBI category because of things they've said, know that I'm over it by now. I'm writing this to help in future situations, not to bring up old ones or to make people feel second guess things they may have said. Also DISCLAIMER... Family- I hope you know that even though you might be able to learn something from this post, we don't include you in this category. Even if you can't relate to our experience, Christopher & I always feel your love & support. You know US & not just our story.) 

I hope that y'all can learn something from this last group.... One lady came up to me after church, gave me a huge hug, and then just stuttered a little bit, trying to form words. Then she said, "I don't even know what to say." The more I've thought about it, the more I've love her reaction. I would much rather people admit that they don't know what to say to me, instead of saying something that ends up being hurtful, albeit unintentional. Another couple came up to me, thanked me for being vulnerable & said that they felt the importance of having hope with their hard things like I was trying to do with mine. Another great response. They acknowledged that they didn't "get it", but at the same time gave me love & support.  Another lady texted me & said that she felt my pain & my hope, and was sending love my way. I felt that love from her! This group was empathetic & supportive, even while acknowledging the awkwardness and the fact that they really couldn't relate to my experience.

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"No matter how bleak the chapter of our lives may look today, because of the life and sacrifice of Jesus Christ, we may hope and be assured that the ending of the book of our lives will exceed our grandest expectations. “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. 

The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk. They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow. Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty. Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable. It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.

We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered. Because God has been faithful and kept His promises in the past, we can hope with confidence that God will keep His promises to us in the present and in the future. In times of distress, we can hold tightly to the hope that things will “work together for [our] good” as we follow the counsel of God’s prophets. This type of hope in God, His goodness, and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair."

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Points from the article "How Can I Support a Friend with Infertility?", which was one of my favorites:

1. Learn more about infertility- this can educate you on what your friends/family are going through, what some misconceptions are, etc.

2. Ask them what they need- Hopefully self-explanatory

3. Know what to say- "I wish I knew what to say", "Do you want to talk about it?"

4. Know what not to say- Don't say phrases that starts with "You can always", such as "You can always adopt". And for couples that have a child but had a miscarriage or having infertility issues, don't use "At least" phrases, like "at least you already have a kid" or "at least you know you can get pregnant". Those phrases are invalidating! Don't tell us to "just relax & it'll happen" (you have know idea how hard it is to wait), that we're "lucky" to not have kids, etc.

5. Get involved in advocacy

(https://www.verywellfamily.com/how-can-i-support-a-friend-with-infertility-1960033).

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I hope y'all have learned something from this. Be empathetic to everyone you meet. Don't pretend to understand. Validate & love. Christopher & I are so thankful for all the love & support we have felt from our family & friends. We know Jesus Christ is our Savior. We have felt Him through the peace, hope & strength we have had during the last year & a half. We love Him, we love each other, we love our future kids & we love all of you. 

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Here are some other great reads & resources for those interested:

https://www.verywellfamily.com/national-infertility-awareness-week-niaw-1959978

• Infertility can be misunderstood, oversimplified, misrepresented, etc. and National Infertility Awareness Week helps change that!

https://www.bundledblessingsfertility.com/

• This foundation gives grants to help pay for infertility costs. 
• DONATE $5 TO THEM VIA VENMO & YOU WON'T REGRET IT
• Most insurances don't cover infertility treatments. Last year, we spent thousands of dollars on our treatments- we did an IUI, had dozens of doctors appts, I took various medications for 10 months, had to pay for "trigger shots" to help me ovulate, and much more! That's not counting what we've done this year, or what we will have to do in the future- more IUI's, meds, IVF, maybe adoption. We don't know, but we know it will be pricey! But worth every penny 💓

https://www.verywellfamily.com/supporting-an-infertile-friend-what-not-to-do-1960011

• This one offers suggests of what not to do when supporting an infertile friend, such as:
• Stop assuming they don't want to hear anything about your new pregnancy or your kids 
• Stop endlessly talking about your pregnancy
• Stop telling them they can "always adopt"
• Stop speaking on the Universe's behalf (ie "if it's meant to be, it will be")
• I definitely recommend reading it for more details on those suggestions, as well as others I didn't list.

https://resolve.org/

• Great resource offering support to those with infertility

My Mission

Today when I saw the announcement from the First Presidency that the rules for communication between missionaries and their families had changed, I cried. I've been thinking a lot about my mission the past week or so, and seeing this change helped give me the words I needed to express all that I had been thinking and feeling.

As I read about the changes, I couldn't help thinking that if they had been in place when I had been on my mission, I could look back on my mission now and not feel so much shame & guilt. It wasn't until just a few days ago that I even realized and admitted that I felt that way. This isn't me trying to make a confession for something I did wrong. This is me finally coming to terms with the fact that I did the best I could under the circumstances.

Both the beginning and middle of my mission are times that I absolutely love looking back on. I learned so much about myself, the culture I was in, the gospel, etc. and I met so many wonderful people. I still love them all so much. However, I dread thinking about the end of my mission. There were definitely some amazing memories and people during that time too, but it's harder for me to remember. My brain automatically associates the end of my mission with all of the bad, instead of the good. For the last part of my mission, I was really depressed. I think part of me knew that, but I had no idea what to do or how to ask for help. I felt like I was "losing it", but I was so close to going home, so I trudged along until the end. People would ask me how I felt about going home, expecting me to say I was sad or something along those lines, and I always felt guilty when I lied. I was honestly relieved to go home. I was able to make it until the end of my mission because I clung to the idea that everything would be different (easier) when I went home. 

Looking back and knowing what I do now, I can think of a lot of things that contributed to my depression. I received quite a bit of criticism from someone, and that crushed my self-confidence in my abilities as a missionary. I've always put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed and to do things well, and I saw myself as "failing" because I wasn't enjoying my work as much as before. That then led me to put even more pressure on myself, which then made me feel even more like a failure, etc. and I was stuck in that cycle. I also was a "sister training leader" during that time, and I think I felt a lot of responsibility with that. (I will say that some of the best times from the end of my mission are the exchanges I went on with some of those hermanas. I think because I was struggling, it was easier for me to connect with and notice when there were other missionaries who might have been experiencing something similar or just needed a friend!)

As a missionary, I was constantly told to "be the best missionary you can be",  to "give it all you got" and to "not go home with any regrets". It wasn't until I few days ago, as I thought about my mission, that I was able to admit that I have a lot of shame associated with my mission. Because I wasn't as "successful" and didn't feel as happy at the end as I was at the beginning, I felt like I was a failure and didn't "give it all I had". Even now while writing this, I'm cringing, thinking of all of the things I could've done differently. BUT. Then I remembered, I was depressed! I felt like I was drowning and it was all I could do to just tread water, because I didn't seem to have the strength to swim. All things considered, I really did do the best I could. Almost four years after the fact, it's such a relief to be at a point that I can validate myself for that. (or at least try to do so :)

Maybe now, you'll understand why I cried hearing the communication changes. I definitely would have been a missionary who "benefited from increased personal contact with family at home." I'm not angry or upset that these changes are coming now and not then. I'm overjoyed for those missionaries who could be in similar situations as I was. I think if I had had the chance to talk to my parents on the phone during that time, I would've been able to find the words to express what I was feeling. There are some things you just can't put in a letter or email. I feel so blessed to be able to see this change, even if it doesn't directly effect me at the moment, and  I'm happy for all of the missionaries serving/who are about to serve that can benefit from it. This is just more evidence to me the leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are led by a loving God and that they also put a lot of effort into leading and guiding us. God loves us and watches over us!

If you're like me, you might have a hard time not beating yourself up over mistakes you make. I'm slowly learning how important it is to just forgive myself and move on/let go. I grew up hearing that, and being taught that I need to learn from my mistakes, but I tend to make the application of that concept more complicated than it needs to be. The moral of the story is this: Be kind to yourself. You are strong. You are brave. You are doing the best you can. If you're at a point where you feel like you're trudging along or trying not to drown, keep going! One day you will look back and understand more than you do now. 

I loved my mission! I loved being able to serve my Savior and serve the people in California. I will be forever grateful I went. And for your entertainment, here's some of my favorite mission pictures and memories :)

It might look like we were part of a funeral, but this was actually a choir :)

I had amazing companions! (and I chopped my hair a few times during that 18 months)

Santa Paula Gang <3

I convinced a lot of missionaries that Chick-fil-a is the greatest & I went any chance I had

I met the best people!

I grew things. And took lots of weird pics with my hermanas.

I taught little kids how to pray.

I had the BEST districts.... & kicked a lot of Elders' butts in Knock Out

I got crazy excited when I found coins on the ground

There are so many people that I love!!!! 

It was the best feeling getting off the plane & seeing my

 goofy family/hugging them after 18 months!