"Be Not Troubled"

A few of weeks ago in church, our Relief Society lesson was titled "Be Not Troubled". The teacher asked us to make a list of our biggest fears, and then, as we read and discussed various scriptures, she asked us to write down things that helped us overcome those fears.
When she first told us to make a list of our fears, I honestly laughed a little bit. I've been seeing a therapist for about two months now, and a few days prior to the lesson, my assignment was to make a similar list. As we went through the lesson, reading different scriptures with phrases like "Be not troubled", "do not fear", etc, I kept thinking "That is way easier said than done for me!"I finally raised my hand (making comments in class is something that makes me super anxious, so go me!) and basically just said that because I have an anxiety disorder, I couldn't just tell myself "be not troubled!" and I'd feel better. Part of me felt like the scriptures were saying that we shouldn't have fear, but fear is part of being human. It's about not letting those fears control us. It's also recognizing that we have divine help from Heavenly Father and our Savior to help us and strengthen us so we can keep going, even with those fears.
However, Heavenly Father isn't going to wave a magic wand and take our fears (or our anxiety, depression, etc.) away. We need to trust in Him, have hope & faith, etc. but part of that is also doing things to help ourselves. For me, going to therapy is part of what I'm doing to "be not troubled". I think Heavenly Father wants people to take advantage of things like medication and therapy, just like He would expect someone with a serious physical illness to go to the doctor. I'm not sharing this to make anyone uncomfortable, but honestly, if you are uncomfortable with me talking about things like going to therapy and medication, it's probably because of the stigma around mental health. Educate yourself and get past the discomfort :)
A couple of weeks before that lesson, I told my husband that if someone asked me if I went to therapy, I wouldn't deny it, but I wouldn't necessarily bring it up either. He just stared at me and said, "Break the stigma, Marlee!" Ok, isn't he just the best?! So this is me trying to break that stigma. I go to therapy because I need some extra help in my life! I've always had anxiety (which my therapist helped me realize, because I thought it just came up 5-6 years ago at the end of my mission... I was wrong) and some occasional depression, but my infertility has not only made my anxiety worse, but my depression as well. Going to therapy hasn't given me any sort of miraculous change or taken either of those things away from me, but it's definitely helped me not be overcome with fear or hopelessness. It's also helped me treat myself more kindly and to not feel so guilty about little mistakes I make; it's nice to be reminded that I'm not actually scum, which is how I tend to treat myself, unfortunately. I've also learned more about how my thoughts impact my behaviors, as well as skills to help change those thoughts.
Speaking of hope....A few months ago, I got a priesthood blessing from Christopher, telling me to turn to the scriptures and words of the living prophets when I needed comfort. This past month or so, I've tried to make that more of a priority. I recently read in 1 Nephi 19:24, "liken them [the scriptures] unto yourselves that ye may have hope". I felt like that was meant for me! I thought about the hope I've received lately from applying things in the scriptures to my own life. I've not only received hope, but strength, comfort, etc. which are, of course, related to hope.
When I initially started writing this post (which was about 3 weeks ago now; I've gone back to change a few things so it makes sense time wise), we had just found out that our IUI didn't work. That night when Christopher and I prayed together, I asked Heavenly Father to help us maintain our hope. When I ended the prayer, Christopher said he had been thinking that same phrase right as I said it. That little experience alone helped me maintain my hope :)

Moral of the story is, therapy is helping me. Therapy is not for "crazy" people, which is the stigma I've seen surrounding it and other things related to mental illnesses. If someone tells you they go to therapy, take meds, have anxiety, etc., don't look down on them. Be proud of them. If you aren't comfortable with or don't know a lot about things related to mental health, educate yourself. This isn't something that's going away, and I guarantee you'll have people in your life that have anxiety, depression, etc. (I don't even like saying you'll know someone that "struggles" with anxiety or depression. To me, using the word "struggle" is demeaning and has a negative connotation, like if that person were just stronger they would get over it and just be ok. Not how mental illnesses work, folks!) The more you understand, the easier it will be to help those you care about. Other moral of the story: I know that there is hope! I know that Heavenly Father can give us the hope and strength we need to do hard things. Keep going, friends! I've got this and you've got this :)

(Quick fertility update for those interested: We were able to meet with our doctor and he gave us some more treatment options. We can do the IUI a couple more times, with only about a 20% chance of success, or we can wait for a IVF study to have an opening that will help us pay for it, which would be about a 70% chance of success. For the next couple months, we ultimately decided to take a break from treatment. It was just way too hard on me (both of us) emotionally and I felt like I needed a couple months where I wouldn't hear bad news. Obviously it'll still be hard hearing we might not be pregnant just doing it on our own, but it's been so much harder to hear it after trying and paying for extra treatments and still getting negative results.)

HOPE

Well, another month with no luck. I took a blood test on Monday to see if I was pregnant, and the results were negative. It still kills me to type that; I've avoided saying it, so it doesn't hurt as bad or seem as real. Plus, I got the news over the phone (honestly, I'd hate having that job of telling people their test results!), so that was pretty crappy and impersonal. I hung up and started sobbing. Already starting the next round of treatment tomorrow though! Fingers crossed...again.

When my husband and I were talking, in between all our tears, I admitted that I had faith, but I didn't feel like I had hope. And not just that I didn't have hope, but that I couldn't have it. I have faith that God loves me and has a plan for my life, and for some reason, this crappy, painful situation is part of that plan. However, hope hurts. I wouldn't say that I've gotten used to hearing the news that I'm not pregnant, but it's always hurts the most on the months when my hopes have been the highest. Like this past month- our first month of going to the fertility clinic. Part of me was so sure we'd get some good news, simply because we were going to a specialist, someone who understood our situation more, had more experience with PCOS, etc. And yet the other part of me felt like I should just expect bad news. Not because I want bad news, but because it's so hard to endure the pain if you're not expecting it. If I prepare myself for the possibility, it doesn't seem as bad.

And that's why I said I have no hope. I didn't want to have hope, because I didn't want to deal with the pain that goes along with it. 

The next day, I was reading in Moroni chapter 10, in the Book of Mormon. In verse 20, it says, "Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope". I started crying when I read that (shocker, I know), because I felt like it was Heavenly Father's reminder to me that if I had faith, I had to also have hope. They go hand in hand. 

Pretty clear message, right? But Heavenly Father knows I'm stubborn and slow to learn, so He sent me another reminder. I ended a social media fast that same day, and one of the first posts I saw when I got on Facebook again was a post from my mom's cousin. A post specifically about hope. She shared this quote: "Hope is an abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promises to you. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance. It is believing and expecting that something will occur. When you have hope, you work through trials and difficulties with the confidence and assurance that all things will work together for your good. Hope helps you conquer discouragement. The scriptures often describe hope in Jesus Christ as the assurance that you will inherit eternal life in the celestial kingdom." (In case you were wondering, yes, I was crying again.)

I realized then that my perception and definition of hope, in relation to my situation, wasn't entirely complete. I was only thinking that hope was "believing and expecting that something will occur", and I was completely missing all the rest. Maybe that part of hope will always be hard for me as far as our journey with infertility goes, but I can work on the other parts. I can trust that the Lord will fulfill the promises He has made to me that I'll be a mother. I can do my best to be confident, optimistic, and enthusiastic, and to patiently persevere. I can work through my trials with the confidence and assurance that this whole long process will work together for my good. I can conquer discouragement, and I can have help to do so. And, best of all, I can have eternal life in the celestial kingdom with my family, including the kids I don't yet have, because of my Savior Jesus Christ. I know I will have to work at it, but I want to develop more hope, to go along with my faith. 

General Conference weekend (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2018/10?lang=eng) came at a perfect time, because I felt like I had a lot of guidance and inspiration fresh in my mind when I felt so sad, confused and hopeless the past few days. One quote that really resonated with me was: "Such glimpses of eternity can help us travel the next 100 yards". (M. Joseph Braugh, "Lift Up Your Head and Rejoice", quoting Neal A. Maxwell) These past 11 or so months of trying to have a baby (I still can't believe it hasn't quite been a year- it feels so much longer than that), I've had so many "glimpses of eternity" that have helped me make it the next 100 yards.  I am thankful for a loving Father in Heaven who gives me enough faith, enough strength, enough hope, to make it the next 100 yards when it seems impossible. I know He is the one that gives me these glimpses of eternity so I can carry on. 

Like I said, I'm still going to have to work on gaining the hope that I want. I feel like since I've been so resistant to having hope in the past, I still can't quite wrap my brain around the idea. But I'm going to try! What do I hope for? I hope that our treatments work soon so we can have a baby. I hope that I can see Christopher smile (and cry) when he holds that baby. I hope I can finally know what it feels like to hold my own baby in my arms. I've hoped for all of that and more for awhile now.... I hope I don't have to wait too much longer.

Wish me luck on my next 100 yards- and good luck on yours too :) 

Relying on God's Muscles

Don't worry, I haven't given up on my blog! I've realized that I often write a post when I'm feeling really low and emotional, because it is very therapeutic and helps me process through things. Until the past few days, I haven't been at a point where I felt that urge to write like I have in the past. 

So, update on our crazy journey with trying to have a baby: I've been told by quite a few people that people with PCOS experience positive changes by adjusting certain aspects of their diet. Going gluten and dairy free was the most recommended thing. A couple months ago, I just kept thinking about going dairy free, and here I am going on 2 months without milk or cheese. (Yes, ROUGH life! And I say without milk and cheese, and not dairy free, because I've cheated and had ice cream a couple times...) I haven't felt the need to go gluten free yet, but maybe some day in the future. Even though I haven't gotten pregnant on this new diet, my body has felt SO much better. I used to have a constant stomach ache and get little red bumps randomly on my arms, and I haven't had either of those since going off milk and cheese! My sister is lactose intolerant, so I wouldn't be surprised if I have a bit of that as well.

My last period was 10 days late (yep, SO amazing!) and when I told my OBGYN, they told me it was time to go see a specialist, and recommended a nearby fertility clinic. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but going to the doctor gives me SO MUCH ANXIETY! I'm sure most of the doctors I've had think that I'm weird and/or incompetent because when they ask me questions, I'm so anxious I can barely respond. That being said, I made sure that Christopher could come with me to this new place. Thank goodness he was able to come, because he asked so many questions and helped me feel more comfortable. (Not that I still wasn't anxious, I legit started crying in our consultation, and then again when the nurse showed us a calendar breaking down our treatment plan and how much it would cost. Little too much for my fragile emotions to handle haha.) 

As part of our treatment plan, I'll be going in every week and a half or so to get an ultrasound of my ovaries. With PCOS (polycycstic ovarian syndrome), I really do have cysts ALL over my ovaries- I saw it in an ultrasound. Not normal and honestly kind creepy. Anyways, these ultrasounds allow the doctor to check on how my medicine is working, because it's supposed to help the cysts mature and form eggs. Keeping in mind my anxiety with doctors, I'm not necessarily a fan of the frequency of these appointments! I went in a few days ago to get a HSG, which is a test they do to make sure my tubes are clear enough for my eggs to travel through them. HOLY COW, if you don't ever need to get an HSG, don't - it sucked. The nurse practitioner, when she saw how anxious I was, was like, "Oh don't worry, it's not as bad as everyone says." Yeah right! Five minutes before that, the nurse walking me to the room asked if I had ever had an HSG before. When I said no, she said, "It's probably better that way...." in this super ominous tone! Yeah, that definitely helped my anxiety... I guess the pain and the spotting was worth it, knowing that my tubes are clear! One less thing we have to worry about. 

We do have to choose between two different treatment plans though, which is very stressful! Still working on deciding which option to choose. Neither option is cheap, and it's hard to know which option will be more "worth it" in the long run, because I'd rather avoid throwing hundreds of dollars down the drain! But it's obviously pretty impossible to know if one will work on the first try. The doctor told us we could try Option A for 2-3 months, then try Option B for 2-3 months if that doesn't work. Option A is similar to what we were doing at the OBGYN, so our new doctor said he'd understand if we just want to go with Option B. If Option B doesn't work, we'll do IVF. Prayers are appreciated as Christopher and I make this decision :) 

Yesterday morning I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep; I just kept thinking about which option we should do, what I could do to budget our money better, etc. Once I realized it was a lost cause to go back to sleep, I listened to a talk by President Monson called, "I Will Not Fail Thee, Nor Forsake Thee." One of my favorite parts was when he said, "We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different than what we were- better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.... Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life."

Initially, I'll admit that I wasn't a fan of hearing that. My first thought was, "Yes, I'm being tested to my limits, my heart is breaking, I'm grieving! And right now I don't necessarily want to be better than I am, more understanding, etc., if this is the price!" After I was able to stop crying and actually absorb the message, I realized how true this is. Sometimes, growing just HURTS, but I have to believe that, because Heavenly Father loves me, He wouldn't make me (us) go through all this for nothing. 

Something else that was on my mind was a quote that I've had to read over and over the past few months: "One day at a time turns into weeks and months. If we thought we would have to do something for the rest of our lives, we might give up. But in God's mercy, we are given enough strength and insight to do all we need the very next day. Sometimes we wish Heavenly Father would lay out the whole plan, show us where the turn is weeks before we have to make it. Maybe then we would start to rely on our own strength and not on the Lord's. But I'd like to suggest that such is not the best way. One thing I have learned in watching... strong women is that doing something hard for an extended period of time requires us to rely on God's muscles, not our own." (Everyone should read, "You are More Than Enough, You are Magnificent" by Ganel-Lyn Condie! So many inspirational quotes like this.) 

Like I said, I've had to remind myself so many times lately to rely on Heavenly Father. I often wonder how much longer it will be before Christopher and I will become parents. I know so many couples that had to wait for years, and I just think, "I don't know if I could make it that long! I can't do this!" Luckily, Heavenly Father is loving and understanding and He will send me gentle (sometimes not as gentle :) reminders that He is there and knows what He is doing. His muscles are WAY stronger than mine (I mean, have you seen my weak arms?) and He is there to strengthen me. Sometimes it does feel impossible thinking about being strong enough for weeks, months, years, etc. But I know that turning to Him daily for strength will get me through this. To anyone else wondering how much longer they will be asked to wait, to hurt, etc.... I don't know the exact answer, but I do know that He knows best. I forget that sometimes, but it's true. Keep going and keep trusting. It definitely isn't easy, but Heavenly Father IS there for you, for me, and for each of us, no matter what is going on in our lives.  

Self Care

For the past 3 years, I've worked at a residential treatment center called Heritage. I work with teenage girls ages 15-18, all with a variety of mental, social and emotional challenges. A lot of the girls I work with have anxiety, depression and/or bipolar disorder. Some are adopted and have attachment issues that stem from that. Others have trauma from abuse or other highly emotional situations. My job has been a big challenge, but it's also been one of the most rewarding things I've ever done. For almost the past two years, I've worked in a full time position which has enabled me to have more influence on the girls' treatment plans. I've loved basically everything about this role- helping the girls set goals and then helping them follow through on those, planning fun activities and off campuses, seeing their struggles and subsequent triumphs firsthand, building enough trust and respect where they'll come to me when they are having a hard time and just need someone to talk to.... 

Lately, going to work has been really hard for me. I've felt more snappy and less patient with my girls. And I've hated it. I care about them so much and I knew I wasn't giving them my best. Not because I didn't want to, but because I just really am not capable of it right now. There were a lot of days where I dreaded going to work, and I'd never felt like that so consistently before. The stress and responsibility was getting to be too much, even though it had never really bothered me before- I'd always been able to handle it, loved it even. I came to the point where I realized I couldn't keep working in the position I had. (I thought about leaving Heritage and going somewhere else, but the thought always made my heart want to break. I can't explain how much I love my girls. And yes, I said MY girls because I care for them like they're my own sisters or daughters.) A part time position opened up on my home in the mornings, and I instantly knew I needed to take it. It would allow me to still work with my girls and stay at Heritage, but also free me from some of the stress and responsibility I had. Even though I've accepted this new position, it's still hard for me to let go of some of the control and influence I got accustomed to having. Now, I have to trust that whoever takes my spot will take care of my girls. Not necessarily in the same way I did, but with a similar attitude of love and care. 

I titled this blog post self care, because that's ultimately what my decision boiled down to. It was extremely difficult for me to make the decision to change positions, but I knew it was the best thing for me right now. Not being able to get pregnant has really taken its toll on me. People that haven't experienced this might not understand how much it hurts and affects you. I'm sure infertility impacts everyone differently, but for me it has made me more depressed and anxious than I've been in years. It makes me feel so worthless and inadequate sometimes, and I've hated dealing with those feelings again. And I knew that those feelings were part of why I was so snappy and impatient at work. Spending time with Christopher always helps put me in a better mood, so if our schedules had allowed us to be together more, I honestly don't think I would've needed to switch positions. But my schedule was full of late nights (going to work at 2:30 and not getting home until 11pm) and working weekends. Which was the exact opposite of Christopher's schedule. We rarely had more than a couple hours at a time together, and it was so hard to not be around his positivity and strength when I felt so depressed and worthless. Being around him reminds me that infertility isn't MY struggle, it's OUR struggle- something we will get through together. 

As hard as it's been to accept that I'm switching positions, this change honestly couldn't have come at a more perfect time. This past month, I was on a combination of Clomid and Femara. My period has always been predictable since I've been on these meds, but it wasn't coming this past month. I was also feeling really nauseous for almost a full week and had a lot of food aversions. After three days had passed since the time I should've started my period, Christopher and I were both so sure I was pregnant... even though neither one of us would dare acknowledge it out loud. My period ended up being 5 days late and to say we were crushed is putting it lightly. It hurt. A lot. But the fact that I had my weekends and evenings free to be able to spend time with him made such a difference compared to previous months. In the past, we've had to deal with the pain and sadness on our own, simply because we didn't see each other much. I'm glad that I made the decision to put myself and my marriage first. This will definitely be a big change in more ways than one, but I know If I'm not taking care of myself there's no way I could take care of my girls. I made the right decision for this time in my life. However, I do hope that one day I can go back to that full time position, because I miss it already. But obviously I'd also be fine with having babies and not working full time 😉

Home

The past few months have been some of the hardest and most stressful months that I've ever had. That comes from a combination of different things, like work, the emotional roller coaster we're on while trying to get pregnant, and the fact that I rarely see Christopher because we have such opposite schedules. 

My trip to go back home to Georgia came at a perfect time. I was able to relax and decompress. It was so good for me to be around my family. We laughed a lot, ate a lot, played lots of games and stared at my cute niece constantly :) I read almost 2 books while I was there, which is something I love doing but haven't had much time for lately. The best part was that my niece liked snuggling against my chest while I read and would fall asleep on me like that. 

I also went on a hike with my dad, and ran a couple times near my house. (I had forgotten what it's like to exercise in humidity- gross!) Running and hiking are two of my favorite things so that helped me decompress as well.

                            

Something that struck me while I was home was how lucky I was to grow up where I did, and to have so many amazing people that influenced me and helped me grow. Visiting my old ward (even though it's split/people have moved) was so fun, and brought back a lot of memories. I had so much gratitude for all the people I saw. The Hansens, the Crosbys, the Eldredges, the Hiltons, the Walkers, the Damianos, the Fosters, the Marzzarellas..... the list goes on and on. Seeing so many of those people that helped shape me into who I am also made me think about the people that had similar influences but who had since moved- the Josies, the Kimballs, the Sherberts, the Maddox family, the Lewis family, the Dibbs, the Garrisons.... that list goes on and on as well. I was so lucky to grow up around so many good, faithful and caring people. They inspired me to be a good person, to build my faith in Christ, to have a strong marriage, to read the Book of Mormon and other scriptures, to have trust in God's will and timing, etc. Their influence came in a variety of ways- Primary, Seminary or Sunday school teachers, Young Womens leaders, Girls Camp directors, parents of kids I babysat. I hope that in the various roles I will have at church, I can likewise help create a ward and community that can influence and inspire the youth to do good and to be good people.

To anyone that needs to get rid of stress, I highly recommend going home :) There's nothing quite like it.

Moms, May & Mental Health

I am super passionate about mental health awareness.... if it even makes sense to say I'm passionate about it. The stigma around mental health is something that bothers me more than I can say.  Mental illnesses are just that- illnesses! In a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "Like a Broken Vessel", he states, speaking of mental illnesses, "However bewildering this all may be, these afflictions are some of the realities of mortal life, and there should be no more shame in acknowledging them than in acknowledging a battle with high blood pressure or the sudden appearance of malignant tumor." My hope is that we can all be more understanding of mental illnesses, and prevent people from feeling the shame and stigma that often comes with such things. 
Growing up, my mom experienced her share of mental health problems, specifically with anxiety and major depressive disorder (MDD). I didn't understand it when I was younger, but I do remember being about 8 years old and looking at my mom laying down in her bed. I remember recognizing that, even though my mom obviously wasn't feeling well, it wasn't her body that was sick- it was something else. The older I got, the more I was able to understand her situation. I remember one time being so angry at her for sitting in her room all day instead of doing things around the house. My stupid 16 year old self snapped at her, and I've never been able to forget the pain I saw in her eyes after I said what I did. That's when I was hit with the fact that my mom wasn't choosing to be depressed. In fact, she hated it. She hated that it prevented her from doing things that she would otherwise do. She couldn't control when she felt depressed or had a panic attack. As embarrassing as that moment is for me to remember, I'm grateful that it happened so I could realize that mental illnesses really aren't something that people want. These problems really aren't as easily controlled as people think. So often, people assume that those with mental illnesses can just "snap out of it". Wrong! It's not that simple. My mom didn't just sit around hoping to be depressed. Some people seemed to think that she put no effort into being happy, and people even said things like that to me. I often didn't know how to respond when people would make those critical comments, especially when it was family members that would say those things, but I just knew that I was SO angry. This was my mom people were talking about. I felt so protective over her, but didn't know how to stand up when I had the opportunity. 
The end of my mission/for a few months after I got home from my mission, I had my own struggles with anxiety and depression (mainly anxiety). For the most part I've been fine since then, but all this infertility stuff has been hard. On Mother's Day, I was an emotional wreck. Luckily though, Heavenly Father sent me some tender mercies, like my favorite little twins sitting with me at church and being able to leave work early and spend time with my sweet husband. I've found that those tender mercies always come. My mom also sent me this quote from Sharon Eubank- "To all the women, who are uncomfortable on Mother's Day, I would say: Don't let sadness obscure your view. Your covenants have already paved your path. Keep going. You are doing better than you know... What might the Lord say to us? I think He would throw His arms around us and let us know we are worthy enough to keep going and our sacrifices have been acceptable before Him. He would tell us He is reserving for us all that is in our hearts, unspoken things that only He could know. He would say that He sees us and all we do behind the scenes, that we are not invisible to Him."
So to all the moms out there that have depression, anxiety or any other mental health problems, I just want to let you know that your kids love you. And they know you love them. Maybe they don't understand what you're going through, but time and maturity will help with that. You will always be their mother. 
To everyone else with mental illnesses, keep going! Read Elder Holland's talk, do something that you love! To those without mental illnesses- refrain from judging! Listening goes a long way. "Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental and kind."
The end :) 
(Yes, I know it's June now, I just forgot to publish this post in May :)

Prayers & Priesthood Blessings

First of all, I'd just like to thank everyone for all of your prayers! I can't tell you how much they mean to me and Christopher. Knowing that we have your faith, hope and love backing  us up during this journey gives us extra strength. A huge shout out to my cute nieces and nephews that have been praying that I'll get pregnant- I tear up every time I think about it (thanks Mom, for passing on your talent to cry 😏). 

A couple weeks ago, my cute sister had a baby girl. My parents and my youngest sister came out to Utah to see her, and I was able to get off work and spend a week with them. Newborn babies are the most precious things! Before I went up there, I was nervous that it would be really hard for me to be around a newborn and not just be super depressed, but it was so fun. I loved seeing my sister and her husband interact with their new baby girl, and my parents are the cutest grandparents alive. My youngest sister was always so willing to change diapers, prepare bottles, etc. She's going to be an amazing mom one day as well.

While I was with my family, I read Al Carraway's book, "More than the Tattooed Mormon". It was AMAZING- everyone should read it. In one section, she talked about priesthood blessings, saying, "There will be many of you reading this right now who are in need of a priesthood blessing. Please, get one. Do not talk yourself out of it. A rule of thumb for me is that if someone asks me if I need one or if the idea comes to mind, I take that as a nudge from the Spirit and follow through. Because of that, I have had several blessings that started out with 'Heavenly Father wanted to speak with you...' How sad it would have been if I missed out on hearing personalized counsel because I actively chose to shrug off the idea. Your situation is never too small or insignificant for a blessing. Nothing is insignificant to your God...remember that Heavenly Father wants to speak to you; He loves you, and He will help make this possible if you reach out."

This really stood out to me, because I had been thinking about asking for my Dad to give me a blessing while he was out here; now I knew that I needed to get one. In the blessing, I was told many things I needed to hear. The thing that stuck out to me the most was a reminder to "seek to know and have confidence in the will and timing and wisdom of the Lord." I realized after the blessing that part of me had been secretly hoping/expecting to be told that my desire to be a mom would be given to me. Obviously that didn't happen. I realized that I can't be given a timeline, at least not right now, because I do have to continue to build my trust in the will and wisdom of the Lord.

Some days, relying on Him is easier than others. I'm grateful for further advice that Al Carraway gave related to priesthood blessings, saying that she kept a journal detailing things from her priesthood blessings- "I now have many years of counsels and blessings worded directly from my Father in Heaven for me specifically. This has proven to be one of my biggest treasures in my trials. How easy it is to let our clouds of trials block our sun. How easy it is lose sight of what we need to be doing and what is waiting for us to receive. Oftentimes when things are really hard, I'll lie on the floor, pull out this journal and just read it to move the clouds that block the sun." Even though I only got a blessing a couple weeks ago, I've been able to do what Al Carraway did because I decided to start my own priesthood journal. It's been very reassuring to look back and remember what counsel and love I was given through my blessing. 

So, to answer your real question- No, I'm not pregnant. The medicine I was on didn't work, and now I'm on a new one. It was hard news to accept, but it definitely wasn't as hard as past months have been. My good days, where I can have faith that I'll get pregnant when I'm supposed to, have definitely outnumbered the hard days this time, and I attribute that to the priesthood blessing I received. My new medicine is the one my mom was on when she got pregnant with me and my sister, so here's to hoping it has the same effect on me! Keep your prayers coming, please! 

To end, here's a quote from Sheri Dew- "But shouldn’t we expect the journey towards eternal glory to stretch us? We sometimes rationalize our preoccupation with this world and our casual attempts to grow spiritually by trying to console each other with the notion that living the gospel really shouldn’t require all that much of us. The Lord’s standard of behavior will always be more demanding than the world’s, but then the Lord’s rewards are infinitely more glorious—including true joy, peace, and salvation... What the Lord requires first is our hearts. Imagine how our choices would be affected if we loved the Savior above all else: how we would spend our time and money, or dress on a hot summer day, or respond to the call to [minister] and take care of one another, or react to media that offend the Spirit." (Everyone go follow "The Small Seed" on Instagram if you want to see some uplifting posts; that's where I got this quote.)

I know that the daily choices I'm trying to make to follow and to love the Savior are preparing me to become a mom. I'm not always as grateful as I should be, but looking back so far, I'm grateful that I'm being stretched, and that this is helping me move one step closer to earning my eternal glory.

The end :)

True Faith = Trust in the Lord's Timetable

Last Sunday in church, we were talking in Relief Society about how we tend to not ask for help or talk about the hard things that are happening in our lives. Maybe it's because of pride, and we think we can handle it on our own, or maybe it's because we think our problems aren't significant compared to those of others. One of my friends said that when she was going through a really hard trial, she decided to write a blog. I've never been a blogger, but this whole morning the idea wouldn't leave my head, so here we are :) 

Some of you might be looking at this and be regretting that you clicked on this link, because you didn't realize it would be such a long post. If you don't want to finish reading, here's the moral of the story: I truly believe that Heavenly Father prepares us for trials and that one day, we can look back and see how our trials have prepared us for other things in our lives.

Anyone who knows me, knows how much I LOVE little kids. I always have. I love babysitting, sitting next to kids in church, playing with my nieces and nephews, etc. My husband is the same way. Christopher's love for kids is actually one of the reasons that my best friend was convinced that we were made for each other. 

I don't think it should surprise anyone then, that both Christopher and I have been SO excited to be parents one day. A couple months after we got married, his parents told us and all of his siblings that they were going to take us on a cruise in November 2017. In order to go, we couldn't be more than 4 months pregnant or have to leave behind a newborn baby. Christopher and I were a little disappointed that we'd have to wait that long to try and have kids, but at the same time, it's not like we could complain that we were going on a cruise! We adjusted our plans so we could go on the cruise (which was SUPER fun, by the way!).

A lot of people knew that we were going to start trying to have kids after the cruise. We've gotten a lot of comments like, "The cruise is over! When are you going to have a baby?" Obviously, that's what we wanted our ideal plan was- get pregnant right after the cruise. However, that's obviously not what has happened. People who were trying to be supportive and nice by asking those questions really had no idea the struggles that Christopher and I were experiencing.

Every month since November, our hopes have gotten so high when my period didn't come on time- as in, it was more than 5 days late each month. Each month, I would wait and wait for my period to come-- and nothing. Christopher would ask me at least once a day if I had started. Each month, the more time that passed without my period coming, the more we were convinced that meant I was pregnant.... and the more it hurt when the tests would be negative.

After my 1st negative pregnancy test, I was so crushed. I honestly don't know how to explain how much it hurt, but I'm sure people who have been in that situation can relate. I tried to find peace and comfort. It was hard to not just dwell in my sadness, or to ask why I hadn't been able to get pregnant when I wanted to so badly. I found a talk by Dallin H. Oaks, "Trust in the Lord's Timetable". He says, "We cannot have true faith in the Lord without also having complete trust in the Lord's will and in the Lord's timing." That brought on a lot of self-reflection. I had to ask myself if I really had true faith in the Lord. I knew He wanted me to be a mother one day, but that I would have to wait for when He thought was best. Elder Oaks went on, "Someone has said that life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Because of things over which we have no control, we cannot plan and bring to pass everything we desire in our lives....Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ prepares us for whatever life brings." 

I eventually decided to go to the OBGYN and see if I could figure out why my cycles were so off. I hoped that we could go from there to figure out what we needed to do/change in order to have kids. In February, the doctor had me do some blood work; 2 weeks later I had to go back and do another test so we could compare the results. Earlier this week, I had a follow up appointment. The doctor told me that they had figured out what was wrong: I had PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Maybe I'm just not as familiar with medical terms as some people, but I had never even heard of that before. She started explaining what was happening in my body because I had PCOS. What she said really made sense, just because of pains I've had, other symptoms, etc. 

I was so relieved to have an explanation for why I hadn't been able to get pregnant yet. For months, part of me had felt like it was my fault we hadn't gotten pregnant yet, even though I knew that wasn't really true. The doctor told me, "It's a good thing you came in when you did, because you never would've been able to have kids on your own." When she initially told me that, I didn't think too much about it, because she immediately told me about some fertility medicine she was going to start me on, and that gave me hope. More hope than I'd had in months. However, the past couple of days, I've had that sentence come to my mind pretty frequently. It hurts to know that my body can't do what it's "supposed to do"- what I've always expected it to do when the time came. Obviously, I'm glad there's a way to still have kids (fingers crossed that this medicine works!) but I still have to fight those thoughts that there's something wrong with me and that this whole thing is my fault. For those few months, it hurt so badly that my cycles were so off, and that I had the hope that I could be pregnant. After I went to the doctor, I realized that if my periods hadn't been so off, I have no idea how long it would've taken me to find out I had PCOS. It could've been more months, even years. Who really knows. So as funny as it seems looking back, I'm grateful for the pain and hurt that led me to answers and to some peace.

Talking to a friend with PCOS has really helped. Obviously our experiences won't be the exact same, but it helps to hear the experiences of others. I have no idea who will actually end up reading this, and I don't really care- because I wrote this for myself more than anything. However, I hope that one day, reading this (or hearing whatever "my story" ends up being), will help someone else going through something similar. The experiences I've had lately have taught me how important it is to share what's going on in our lives. I think it helps us process through what's happening, but also it could help others. If you don't agree & think I'm weird for sharing, that's fine. But here's one experience that's taught me the important of sharing:

Some of our friends, not even knowing that Christopher and I were struggling with this, shared with us how hard it's been that they haven't been able to get pregnant. They said that this idea came to them: each person is very much impacted by the time and place that he/she is born. For example, if I hadn't been born when and where I was, my life could be very different right now. Maybe Heavenly Father wants our children to be born in a certain time/place, and that's why we haven't had kids yet. I'm sure that's not the only reason God hasn't given us our desire to be parents yet, but that explanation brought me some comfort. 

I'm glad I know now what was preventing me from getting pregnant. But that means that now my faith and trust in the Lord's timing will be put to the test again, as I wait to see how this medicine works. I'm grateful for the "tender mercies" I have received during the past few months. I know that my experience with infertility so far doesn't compare to many others who have dealt with this for much longer than I have, but my pain and sadness has still been just as real. The idea that it could take years scares me, but who knows if that will  end up being my experience. I'm trying to remember the peace and comfort I've received (and remember that it was sent by Heavenly Father), and to be grateful I have more answers than I did a few months ago.

The end :)